Oh No Another Self Insert Fandom Fanfic
by Super Nintendo Power
Summary: Essentially, A Mary Sue makes it into Canon Naruto. I have to stop her. My life sucks. OC centric. EXPECT RANDOM CROSSOVERS, Pairing bashings, and making fun of the most overused ideas in history! Pairings: NaruHina, SasuSaku, OcNo one.
1. Chapter 1

Journal Number 1#

Journal Number 1#

We're screwed. Essentially anyway. I have to stop that… THING from screwing things up. Wait, what do you mean, you have no idea what I'm talking about? Shhh… If you're reading this, that means I'm still alive. If only for a little while. If… that THING finds me, everything that makes sense on this site will be lost. FOREVER! Okay, fine, just the stuff under Naruto, but that's pretty popular, and you wouldn't want that, would you?

I… am a bad fanfiction author. I know that. This… is a journal. For lack of better words. My name? It's Megagamer. Megagamer200. My mission? Well… it's… complicated, to say the least.

I'm supposed to stop some BITCH from screwing up Canon.

That would be easy, if she wasn't the F-ing QUEEN OF ALL MARY-SUES! I've had to come up with several plot-holes to make what she's doing MAKE sense, but if I don't get her out of here… It's going to be bad. REAAALLLLY Bad.

Essentially, the Akatsuki are after her. I've implanted that this is because Pein knows about the horror that are Mary-sues and is attempting to destroy her, but SHE believes that Itachi wants to… make love to her. Stupid Fangirl. She also 'thinks' that she holds the 1,324,532 tailed Unicorn inside of her, and is more powerful than anyone else in this world. (But… doesn't the legend of the Tailed beasts specifically say there are only NINE!!)

Fortunately, since I'm here, I can… slow her down a bit. I may be a bad author, but I'm not an idiot. Since everybody hate's sue's, I've wrote that the more people hate her, the weaker she becomes. (Not like in real life… where she say's you suck, and you're flaming because you're jealous)

By now, you're confused. You're wondering why this is so serious. Well… There are thousands of Awful Mary Sue stories on this site. Most of them are on this board. (Not really… but it sure feels like it huh?) To put it bluntly, Mary-sue's are idiots. No matter how smart they say they are, no matter how perfect, to create a mary-sue, you have to be a complete idiot. HOW she got in the CANON storyline is unknown. I'm serious. She's occasionally appearing in the background of the Anime and Manga now, but fortunately no one noticed her.

However, I can't keep this up forever. People all over this world are starting to detest HER. But… she's still a Mary-Sue.

Maybe I should tell my story, where it actually began, instead of rambling about these current events.

Prepare for a Mary-Sue story from the Flamer's point of View.

"Hey Megagamer! Great New chapter of _Sasuke may need Help_! Flammerupper made me LOL! Why is THAT man still alive? I would like it if you made your chapters longer, and make it so it MAKE'S sense, but… you said this was a crazy fic. So I'm not complaining." I read the review patiently. Finally! A review! Even if I sucked, I wanted to know WHY I sucked.

"MysteriousNinja296" I wrote back a reply. "That man as you put it, is still alive because I said so. Like I said, This fic is crazy. I'm glad you liked Flammerupper, his constant bashing of me was weird to write, or even think about."

"You got mail." The Computer said dutifully.

"What the… That never happens in real life! Only in the movies!" I exclaimed.

"I'm a computer. Do you think I care?" The computer said flatly.

"What do we have… here…?" I muttered as I opened my Yahoo account. I looked at my Mail.

**MAIL**

**YOU SUX NOOB! – NaruSakufan **

**You have been chosen…- /Naruto**

**I AM YOUR FATHER! – Dad **

**SELF INSERTS ARE FOR NOOBZ Bastard! – You**

I decided to ignore the first, third, and fourth ones. The first seemed to be an angry message from a NaruSaku fan on Youtube, as usual. The Third seemed to be full of crappy references, so I didn't open it. The fourth looked like spam. I mean, who calls themselves, You? So I opened the second one.

**Dear Megagamer200,**

**As you know, you Phail as an author. But you have good intentions. So, we need to tell you something. THIS IS AN SSS-CLASS SECRET!**

What the…

**It seems our fears have been confirmed. A Mary Sue has been sighted on a Naruto fanfic.**

What? What was so bad about that? I mean, sure they suck, and they're OC's are usually themselves, Times insert Infiinite symbol, and no one reads them anyways. Since I'm posting this on , I can only assume that hardly anyone is taking me seriously anyway. I mean, I'm an OC, but I make fun of everything that OC'S Do, so- I'll stop breaking the fourth wall now.

**This… Fanfic. The Mary Sue is using it to enter the Naruto CANON world! **

"Wait… How?"

**How? Why? It's a good plot, you must admit.**

"It is, but it makes no sense."

**She's a sue. If you just said it doesn't make sense, remember she's a sue.**

"What are you, some kind of Physic?"

**No. It's me, Pein.**

"Holy Shi- "

**Don't get excited! Come to the /Naruto Community immeditly. To be blunt, the new AU universe that allows us to share stories.**

"The What?"

**It's a… virtual reality version of . I- and Madara- believe that the Mary-Sue is so… Super-Sueish is because of this.**

"When that'd come out?"

**It's always been out.**

"But-"

**Come to the Damn site Noob.**

I decided to listen to the Akatsuki leader, because he could kick my ass. I immediately went to the Virtual… thing, and got… virtualized.

"What the- Your not Pein!" I yelled.

"Of course not." The Fanfiction author said patiently. "I pretended to be him so you would come over here. I predicted that you'd be afraid he'd kick your ass."

"So… what's wrong here?" I gestured to all the burning buildings all over the 'Site'. The Author sighed.

"It seems that the Mary-Sue is causing much damage in Canon. Sasuke killed Itachi-"

"WHAT!"

"And Sasuke got the Mandekeyou, and is going to destroy Konaha."

"But… I already knew that." I said, confused.

"What's DIFFERENT is that Tobi killed Sakura! For no good reason!"

"You shouldn't be so surprised." I reminded him. "Mary-sue's HATE Sakura, for a variety of reasons. And even some REAL fans hate her nowadays, what with her being so much stronger and all."

"I know." The author sighed. "But since Sakura's dead…"

"Naruto has no reason to bring Sasuke back to Konaha!" I gasped. Sure, he might, because Sasuke was his best friends and all, but since this was a Mary-Sue we were dealing with…

"That's right." The author nodded. "She's trying to turn the Manga into a YAOI."

"What the- Just by killing Sakura, she expects Sasuke and Naruto to turn GAY?" I asked. "WHAT KIND OF SICK WEIRDO-"

"Mary-Sue." The Author said professionally.

"RIGGGHHHHHTTTTT…"

"Anyway… back on topic. This place has been in a flame war for a while now. Since Sakura's dead, the NaruSaku fans haven't shown their faces for a while, which is strange. I would've thought they would've been saying that 'True Love Conquers All', or something stupid like that, and expecting Sakura to rise up from the grave, like, three chapters later, to comfort an emotionally scarred Naruto."

"Was that a-"

'It's what they would've said. Trust me. Anyway, the NaruSasu fans had a field day, saying that 'Naruto and Sasuke are in love' or some crap like that."

"If that actually happens, I'm going to puke…"

"The NaruHina fans snapped and fought back. They provided extremely intelligent reasons why NaruHina is so… Right."

"What about the SasuSaku fans?"

"The ones who were also NaruHina fans assisted them. The NejiHina fans, who by the way, were all NaruSaku fans, suddenly disappeared. ShinoHina and SasuHina disappeared as well. Some of the KibaHina fans hung around, but since they had no real evidence to debate with, they came to their senses, and supported NaruHina."

"So… A flame war? That's burning the entire site down?"

"Yeah. Eventually, the Naruto boards were corrupted by several YAOI's, Mary Sue's, Chat Fics, Highschool Fics, Self inserts, and overall bad fanfiction."

"That is so different… How?"

"Some of the really good authors couldn't stand getting flamed and took off their works. Most of the good authors snapped and stated that everyone on this site was a damn noob or something like that, and kept their stuff on. The Halfway decent authors- like you- were the ones who fought back the most violently, spamming up this entire site with rants and stuff."

"All because of a Mary-Sue?"

"Mary-Sue's are the cause of all the world's ills." The Author snapped. "They're always American Bitch's who think the world is against them, and pretend to be Emo because they think they'll get a date from that hourly 'Cool' guy. I know for a fact that they started World War II."

"What- That raises even more questions!" I protested. The Author rolled his eyes.

"Quite Bluntly, We're screwed. The Government is Pissed off at us, saying that the "Sweet, Innocent, Little Girl,' Has no idea what she's doing, and doesn't know she could bring lethal weapons into the Real World!"

"How is that possible?"

"You're a Noob, you know that? IT'S A DAMN GOOD PLOT HOLE!"

"Allright, Sheesh." I said. "So… Why me?"

"You Suck."

"No, I asked, Why me?"

"Because, everyone else is cleaning up here, or trying to get the U.S Government off our backs."

"Okay…"

"Oh, and you're the only person who would be stupid enough to come up with a Crossover to fix this."

"Eh?" I blinked.

"The Government is going to shut down this site, forever. We could only hold them off for-"The author checked his watch. "35 more seconds. Better Hurry."

"Wait, you want ME to defeat a Mary-Sue, in thirty-Five seconds?" I asked disbelievingly.

"20." The author counted down. I panicked and went through my 'Future plot list'

"Ummm… _Our Hearts are Connected _won't work… _Squad 13 _MIGHT work, but I don't think… I GOT IT!" I immediately took out my author's scroll (Essentially, it's a scroll I can warp people's minds and Reality with) and Scribbled Hurriedly. An Instant later, a Loud BANG! Was heard, and a 1985 car equipped with a Flux Capicator shot into view.

"Wow. You Are good." The Author said awestruck.

"Jump in Megagamer! There's no time to lose!" Doc Brown yelled from the Driver's seat. I immediately jumped in the Vehicle, and Doc floored it. We were going faster. 60… 70… 80… 88! We broke the time stream! I didn't see the time thingy, but I assumed we were going somewhere important.

"The Year 3000?" I said in dismay. "What kind of crappy reference is that?"

"Nothing. Nothing you should remotely care about anyway." Doc said. Turning around in his seat. "I was actually here before I found out what went wrong in 2008."

"Let me guess: A hormonal girl- who apparently could barely speak English- somehow Omni potently took over the world, right?" I said.

"That's only half of it." The Doc said grimly.

"So… what's so bad?"

"Follow me." Doc Brown got out of the car, and I followed suit.

"What the-"I gasped. Right below me (And Also below several Ominous black clouds) Were… Computers. Lots. And Lots. Of computers. With People. Typing. I could see that these people must be exhausted. I noticed one take her hands off the keyboard for one second… and suddenly, the ominous Black Clouds I noticed earlier shot lightning and struck her! The Poor girl fell over, shocked, and didn't get back up.

"What… What are they doing?" I demanded.

"I asked myself that same question when I first came here. Doc said solemnly. I snuck down during their five minute lunch break and found…" He sighed. "Mary-Sue fics."

My world shattered.

"Your telling me, that if the Mary Sue screws up the Canon of Naruto, it will somehow evolve into a dictatorship that will force people to write crappy fanfics?" I Screamed.

"No. Not just crappy fanfics. They… are writing about… her."

What… this couldn't be. These… people, were writing about some self-centered Bitch, who was also apparently the ruler of the world.

"We have no choice." Doc said. "I have no knowledge of Naruto. You must fight Mary-Sue. I'm going to take you back to the 'Search for Tsunade' Ark, where apparently Mary Sue first appeared. No matter what happens, you MUST not become important to the plot. You have only your pen, your mind, your scroll, and your guts."

"So… what are you going to do in the meantime?" I asked.

"I'm going to search other Fansites. Such as Nsider2 and Deviantart. I'm going to make sure this is the ONLY factor in which this future occurred."

"Allright." I said. "When Do we leave?"

My story is actually went farther than this, but I'm running out of time. Some very disturbing things have been happening, not the least of which is something I'd normally consider to be a dream come true. But… I'm not a ninja. I'm not like anybody from the Manga or Anime. How am I supposed to save the world from a Sadistic bitch? I grew up normally. I'm not sure what to do. The only thing I can do is stop her… No. IT from doing something stupid. My next Journal should cover everything that's happened to me so far. Think of this… as a Prologue. I will write again.

Megagamer200


	2. In which I meet the bitch

Journal #2

Journal #2

I'm fine. Fortunately. It appears that the sue is to 'Sue-ish' to be thrown off by the timestream… or something. Bottom line: She's here. I'm here. This… is not good.

I am in the Naruto universe. In the search for Tsunade ark apparently.

I ended my last journal around the time when me and Doc Brown went to the future and discovered the dictatorship. I immediately decided we had to stop the stupid girl before she does something… stupid.

So, in the brief jump between future reality, and past fantasy, I went through my current list of goals.

KILL THE DAMN SUE!

If possible, discredit Nejihina, KibaHina, SasuHina, or anything other Hina that is NOT NaruHina.

At one point, talk to the Akatsuki. Missed the Return of Itachi, ark so that means I have to talk with Zetsu at the Valley. Preferably don't get eaten. If this fails because he didn't help, go to rain sometime after Leader takes it over. If it fails because you got eaten, well, you suck!

I've figured out that I've already changed things just by going. Hence, Sakura won't get killed by Tobi. PROTECT SAKURA AT ALL COSTS, AND BE SURE THAT SASUKE ENDS UP WITH HER!

At some point, pick up an Icha Icha novel.

Side objective to 3. MAKE SURE AKATSUKI HAS NO INTEREST IN THE MARY SUE!

Think up some plot holes to bring back dead guys to help out. If accomplished, be sure they work from the shadows.

Confirm that Kabuto is not gay for Orochimaru.

Get more readers.

…

I was out of ideas, so I thought that covered just about everything. When we arrived, Doc dropped me off somewhere outside Konaha. He gave me something though.

"A cell phone?" I asked.

"That's not just a cell phone. That's the nuclear powered, super bad-assed, above time cell phone. If you're worried about something you might have messed up, call me."

"Through time?"

"Yes."

"How much does service cost?" I asked.

"… Let's just say, don't use it much." Doc grumbled, before starting up the car. "I'll see you around." With that, he was gone.

I turned around, and saw the gates of Konaha in the distance. I little bit more walking, and I finally arrived. Man, that thing was huge! You have no idea how big that door is if you don't see it in person! For the first time, I realized how lucky I was that I was in the Naruto verse. How cool was that? How many people, get to go in their favorite Book/Anime/Manga/ Video game? Errr… Don't answer that. (cough) I walked up to the gates and… got stopped. By two random guards. Busted. I realized that the Return of Itachi must've really wussed out the council, hence why these two were Jounin. Gulp. They could kick my ass without even trying. I tried to look casual. Fortunately, I didn't recognize them, so that meant they were background characters, and probably couldn't fight their way out of an episode of the Pokemon anime. At least that's what I told myself.

"Halt!" random guard #1 said professionally. Crap. He said it professionally. That meant he was good. But then, he was a Jounin, and that was expected I guess.

"Errr… Hi?" I asked lamely. "I… need… to… get in, essentially. You're blocking my path."

"We have to search you to be sure that you're not a spy or anything." Guard #2 said, sounding extremely bored. I wondered briefly if he was a Nara. Or just a crappy background character.

"Oh sure." I said. "Except… why?"

"Konaha was just attacked. We lost a lot of forces. And Itachi suddenly coming back? THAT'S just scary. Did you hear what he did?"

"Errr… Which bit?" I asked. "I travel a lot, and I hear a lot of things. You're talking about… Uchiha Itachi, right?"

Guard #1 nodded. "He came here, with some guy from Kiri, beat the living shit out of Kakashi- you know who he is, right? Claiming to be after something. Something about a girl with lots of different Hair colors… I don't know."

My heart stopped.

"Shit." Was I could say, before running into the village.

"Hey! Get back here!" Guard #1 yelled. But he didn't chase me. Maybe because He wasn't supposed to leave his post. Maybe his partner held him back. Maybe he had a headset and called for reinforcements.

3 ANBU jumped out of nowhere and surrounded me.

"You. Your coming with us." A woman said professionally. I recognized the hair, and the mask. This was Yugao.I didn't know much about her, but then again, nobody did. Except she was apparently close to Hayate…

I shook the thoughts out of my head. It didn't matter who these people were, if they wanted to kill me, they would kill me.

"I… am… errr… Tobi! Fear me!" I said while raising my hands over my head like some kind of idiot. As expected, the guards didn't react. Seriously, what was I thinking? Nobody has even heard of Tobi until Part two!

"Shut up. You are in sooooo much trouble." One of the ANBU said.

I blinked.

"Huh?"

"Your that guy who told Itachi about the Uber-awesome Mary-Sue Uchiha, didn't you? The one that survived the massacre out of sheer sexiness? Who Itachi wanted to F but she said no because she's too sexy?" The other ANBU asked.

That… was the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. It seems that Mary Sue, like some fanfiction writers, severely shitted up canon. Oh, that wasn't the end of it either. The ANBU kept rambling on. And On. And on.

"So Itachi went YAOI for Sasuke and they and Naruto had a threesome…"

"I had heard enough. I took out my scroll, and scribbled something… blunt.

_ANBU are insane. Naruto, Sasuke, and Itachi are straight. Itachi was looking for Naruto, as per canon. Mary Sue is not an Uchiha. _

I activated the scroll, and a few things changed. For one, the ANBU started talking about an Anime cosplay. I ditched the ANBU before they could chase me again, and heard random gossip from townsfolk about the CANON Return of Itachi ark. YES! Of course, that's before…

"Hey you! Your that kid who broke in to the village! Get him!" A random chunin yelled. The civilians jumped into action… by beating up every kid in the street except me.

"What… What the hell are you doing? It's that nerdy kid with the scroll and the glasses!" The chunin screamed. The civilians stopped.

"But… that doesn't make sense." An middle aged lady said confusedly. "He's not a member of this village."

"Didn't I say that he broke into the village?" The chunin demanded.

"Yes." I snuck off at this point, and hid… in quite possibly the best way anybody could ever imagine!"

"SO THAT MEANS HE'S AN INTRUDER!" The chunin screamed.

"But… the Demon brat can't know him." A civilian protested. "So he wouldn't henge into him."

Is it just me, or are these guys idiots? Do they always blame Naruto for every little thing that happened in this village?

"Naruto sucks!" A random civilian yelled.

"Yeah! That punk let Uchiha-sama get a hickey from a Micheal Jackson look a like!" A middle-aged man screamed. "And he made Sasuke honorably battle Gaara, and then defeated that sand Bastard while he was weak! And he must've somehow made me trip! Down with stupid, weak blondes who never graduated!" The man screamed. The civilians roared their approval. I wondered how the Third let it get so bad. I would've asked him, if he weren't dead.

"LATER!" The chunin screamed. "All civilian's disperse!" Seeing the confused look of the -200945 IQ level civilians he sighed and reworded his sentence.

"There's a possibility that this man is dangerous. He could be… well, somebody evil. So everyone go home." The civialians grumbled before leaving to do whatever they do when their not on the screen. The chunin made sure everyone was gone, and then saw… a square rock. Guess who?

"Hey Honorable grandson!" The guy yelled, running over to the rock. "Did you see some geeky teenager around here?"

'Konahamaru' didn't answer.

"Okay then. Bye. Let's see… maybe I can get Izumo and Kotetsu to help…" The Chunin mused before leaping off… somewhere else. I sighed.

I removed the rock.

Best disguise: Impersonate a famous person's relative. It works. Err…. At least it did this time. I got out my scroll and wrote down some stuff about me not being hunted by ninja's. I doubted they'd be as stupid as Naruto and announce they're presence as soon as they found me. Anyway, being hunted might make my mission a bit more difficult. I decided to hit the town. You know, see the sights.

Then I realized I had no idea what the currency was.

I think that Japanese currency is referred to as 'Yen'. However, most fanfic's I read in the Naruto section referred to it as 'Ryo' which confused me. Are Ryo like cent's and yen like buck's or vice versa? How would I know what a good deal was?

Deep in my musings, I had no idea where I was going. Of course, even if I was paying attention, I wouldn't know where to go, but that's not the subject at the second. As per usual in stories when this happens, I run into someone important to the plot. Guess who?

"OOF!" I had run into someone. Crap. "Oh, I'm sorry. Somewhat. Hurting people is a bad habit of min- oh."

"Just watch were you going." Sakura sighed. She then mumbled something that sounded like 'why couldn't you be Sasuke?' under her breath.

"Oh, you're Sakura!" I exclaimed she looked up in surprise.

"You know me?" She asked.

Crap. I've got to watch my mouth. I decided to do what all good liars do… mix up the truth.

"Yeah. You won an award. I saw your picture on the trophy." I answered. In my head I was frantically trying to figure out WHAT the award would be. I thought one up.

"Really? What kind of award?" Sakura asked, genuinely curious. "And why didn't I hear about it?"

"Because… it was the award for 'most violent kunoichi of the year' for the rookies. Ino won beauty, and Hinata won female rookie of the year." I said. Sakura's face turned… evil looking, like when she beats up Naruto. Fortunately, I wasn't Naruto, so I wasn't planning on getting hit. I briefly wondered whether she was pissed about the violent thing, or Hinata winning Rookie of the year. I decided to push her buttons a bit more.

"Oh yeah, and Hinata also won 'Most likely to breed the new existence of Uchiha's-"

That was a straight out lie. I'm sure that Sasuke may have appretiticated the fact that Hinata wasn't a fangirl, I don't think he had a crush on her. He was more concerned about killing Itachi. Probably because he believed he couldn't start a family he could love while Itachi was still around- Sorry. Back to the story.

"What? But… I've never even seen them talk! Or look at each other!" Sakura protested. I saw she had made a fist, and I realized I better run.

"Yeah… you know, I'm late for… errr… work. I'll… see you later." I sped-walked away.

"What… GET BACK HERE AND EXPLAIN YOURSELF!" Sakura roared. Crap. Fortunately, this was before the time skip, so I probably wouldn't get killed. Probably.

"Errr… OH LOOK! Sasuke… GETTING RAPED!" I screamed. Of course, Sakura turned around to try to save the King of Emo, and that was my window of opportunity. I jumped inside a trash can (Heh heh… Got the idea from playing to much Bully: Scholarship edition) and peeked out. However, something… strange happened. I looked up. Crap. Looming above me, was… Mary-Sue Uchiha's ugly mug. I mean, seriously. She's not that hot. She just has a lot of wacky hair colors, and oxymoronic descriptions. (Like tan pale skin what's up with that?)

"Sew U r d noob who sets fot in mai queendon?" Mary Sue asked. What the… fot? Queendon? What is wrong with her?

"Oh no. I'm Megagamer200. You must be talking about some crazy chick that was nerdy enough to hack into a populaur anime. Oh wait…"

"Wel, U Phail. Y r U beig sus s bastad?" Mary-Sue asked. Wait, did she just say s unstead of A? How stupid is she? Wait, better question: What was she asking? Was she asking if I was from Baghdad? No… she called me a bastard. I think.

"Cut the crap." I said angrily. "What are you doing here?"

Mary-sue's head floated above me, like some kind of Macy's thanksgiving day parade balloon.

"I har 2 trun cannon in2 pur f#ing sexnes!" Mary-sue said gleefully. Is it just me, or are the only words said correctly in that statement "I" and the F-word? Seriously.

"What does that mean?" I asked calmly. Or at least as calmly as the situation allowed.

"1th, sAkuRA dyes. 2st, al teh guy's become vapir's! then they f#!" Mary Sue said excitedely.

"Wait, your going to kill Sakura, for virtually no reason, and turn all the guy's into gay vampire's?" I asked. Seriously, that was the worst plan I ever heard. Oh yeah, by the way, where'd the vampire shit come from anyway?

"YSE!" Mary Sue shouted. "Tehn, I wil decend, an every1 lovs mai!"

"What?" I blinked. "but I thought…"

"Wee wil invad othe seris!" Mary Sue interrupted. "Al who are F#ing sexy enogh 2 F# Mai wil live! Evry1 els PHAILS!"

"Errr… So… how are you a big floating head?" I asked. Truth be told, that plan was one of the sickest things I ever heard, and I wanted her to stop.

"That. Im brining Haku bac fro teh daed. Os I jus sent a holagran! By!" Just like that, the Mary sue disappeared.

"…" I immediately mused on what to do next as I climbed out of the trash can. Only one thing came to mind.

(Later)

"Hello. I would like to hire some ninja's to escort me too master Jiriaya." I said professionally.

"Err… why?" The recepeption guy asked.

"My dad got some good lines for him. But he wussed out, saying that the leaf shinobi suck, and told me to hire them and get myself killed so he can have more money or something like that."

"Lines?" The guy asked, frowning.

"For that new book, Icha Icha: AXE. It's all about this body spray that apparently makes you sexier. Don't ask… I haven't read it… yet."

"So… A C-ranked mission. I'll get some genin on it. Stay here until I figure out who should go."

I realized then how screwed up this place was. Seriously. Since I got here, things have seemed… off. First, the obvious Itachi crap. (I think I mentioned that already) Second, this is Search for Tsunade right? Then why was Sakura outside? I thought she refused to leave his side for the entire ark? 3rd, the villagers. I'm not an expert on Naruto's past, but there's not WAY they hated him THAT much. Unless they're as stupid as most FF writers believe. (which I doubted) 4th, When Mary-Sue showed up, nobody screamed about how a giant, butt-ugly head was talking to a nerdy kid hiding in a trash can. Right now, I was bored out of my mind. So bored, I wrote these journals. To at least tell everyone how much my life sucks at the moment. Before you ask, I'm going to Jiraiya because he's with Naruto. Naruto Mary Sue nearby. I'm going to have to keep my eyes open. You guys can thank me later.

Megagamer200


	3. Wait that guy? Crap

Journal 3#

Damn. I am so screwed. Well, almost. Want to know what's happened to me the past few hours?

I've been in an explosion, almost crushed about by a giant frog, and, most importantly, met one of Mary-Sue's sex-slaves. And a bunch more crap, but since I'm a self insert, let's skip the Angst, 'kay?

I ended my last journal around the time I was waiting for the mission to be assigned to genin. I fully expected to get some of the Rookie nine. I mean, this is a fic about a demented Mary-sue, a possible Gary-Stu (And a SI to boot) not to mention bud puns and the occasional sex joke.

"Right… We have picked the only available genin." One of the guy's who apparently was in charge of telling people that the ninja were ready to go out on an escort mission. "Follow me."

"I followed the probably underpaid secretary guy back to the mission assignment room thing. I saw five familiar faces… plus Iruka at the table, but he wasn't helping so I ignored him.

First was Kiba. You know him right? Why would you be reading this if you didn't? Anyway, he was dressed the same as always (Why do people in anime always wear the same thing? Have they ever heard of laundry?) Akamaru was sitting on his head as per usual pre-timeskip.

Next was Shino. Of Course, he was wearing his pwnsome sunglasses and his trademark coat.

Third, was Hinata. She didn't appear as insecure as usual, probably because Naruto wasn't around. Dang. That sounded OOC. She still seemed slightly nervous, but seemed to be trying to collect herself.

Fourth, was… Sakura. Well Shit.

Fifth was the biggest surprise of all.

Sasuke.

He was ignoring everyone else looking at the sky with a… strange look on his face. I'm not sure how to describe it but was it… wonder? I knew he was supposed to be extremely injured during this ark after his run-in with Itachi. What had happened exactly?

"-pe this doesn't end up like the Land of Waves." Sakura was saying. "Right, Sasuke-kun?"

"…" Sasuke glared at her briefly, but then returned to his looking up at the ceiling. Creep.

"Should Sasuke really be going on this mission?" Shino asked in his calm and collected voice. "I believe he was severely injured recently, was he not?"

"He's Sasuke-kun!" Sakura barked. "It doesn't matter how injured he is, he'll always be ready to fight!"

"Bet you wish you could say the same for yourself Sakura." Kiba said with a laugh. Sakura glared, and was about to say something nasty, but then she saw me.

Crap.

"YOU!" She Screeched, and jumped sprinted at me. Before I knew, she was strangling me.

"YOU MOTHER #$%#$! I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S WORHTLESS! ARR-"

"Ummm… Sakura. That's your client." Iruka said nervously. Wow. He helped after all. Sakura dropped me like I was on fire or something.

"Sakura!" A few people said in shock, but I couldn't tell exactly who because I was on the floor gasping for breath. Apparently somebody was telling her off, I assumed it was Kiba or an higher up, and then she was asked why she did that. I regained my senses then.

"Ohhhh… That hurt." I moaned, and flopped on my back.

"We're terribly sorry Mr.200." Iruka said politely. "One of us in particular. Sakura?"

I couldn't see her, but I assumed she was gritting her teeth.

"I'm sorry 200-san. It will not happen again." Sakura said in a placid tone. Iruka seemed to be wanting to tell her to do it again, but I raised my hand and gave a thumb's up.

"Sure… Apology accepted." I lowered my hand and it fell to the floor with a loud CLUNK!

Everyone was staring at me. I got up groggily, and fortunately stayed up. Iruka coughed nervously.

"Okay… 200-san wishes to find the author of Icha Icha paradise to give him some perverted lines. You must escort him to said author. Any questions?"

Kiba raised his hand.

"Why don't you just send the stuff through the mail?" He asked. Iruka frowned.

"That's a good question."

Everyone looked at me. I decided to lie. Of course.

"I uhhh… have to give it to him face-to-face. I don't know why." I answered.

Iruka frowned. "Jiraiya-sama has been feeling that someone wishes to intercept his scripts…"

I sighed in relief.

Then the phone Doc had given me rang.

Well, Shit.

"Excuse me." I said politely, before turning my back on the ninja's and answering the phone.

"Hello?" I asked.

"YOU F##$*(% Piece of S$%T!" Doc screamed at me. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO THAT!"

"Woah, calm down, Doc. What did I do, exactly?"

"You did something that did not make the least bit of sense. At all."

"Excuse me?"

"You're a fanfiction author. You manipulate people. Whenever you do so without making much sense, you make People like Mary-Sue stronger."

"Uhhhh… Okay?"

"If you must be manipulative, do it WELL."

"Sure Doc. How are things on your end?"

"Nothing noticeable is different about the last few days. However… Something is bothering me."

"Do tell."

"All of the halfway intelligent NaruSaku fans disappeared." Doc said solemnly. I blinked.

"Wait… They have fans? That are intelligent?" I cried out in shock.

I was sure Doc was cringing. "Yes. But they all disappeared. is also completely abandoned by all things intelligent. It's basically a place to for the YAOI fangirls to post their crappy stories."

"Okay… anything else?"

"Don't do anything stupid."

Doc hung up. Little…

I put up my phone reluctantly. I turned around to see all the shinobi (Except Sasuke) staring at me.

"What?" I asked annoyed.

"Was that a portable phone?" Kiba demanded.

Shino put in his own two cents. "None of the nations on this continent have such advanced technology.

Crap. I forgot. Apparently even though they have Computers and crap, apparently communications-wise they were primitive. They still used birds for messengers, for example, and they didn't even have trains. (Except Snow country… but that's a different story)

"Errr… it's a… prototype! Yeah…" I said without thinking.

"If it's a prototype, then who called you?" Sakura asked suspiciously.

"That's none of your business." I said easily. To Iruka I said, "We can leave now, right?"

"There's two more shinobi coming." Iruka said calmly.

"Why? Five is definitely enough." I said, slightly annoyed that I would have to pay even more. Hey wait… I never paid! When do I have to pay? I should've asked earlier.

"She is the best shinobi Konoha or any other shinobi village ever has to offer." Iruka said excitedly. Hang on… Who is he talking about exactly?

"She is so sexy, there are men known to die by just looking at her!" Crap. I knew where this was going now.

"She is so powerful, she is known as the sexykage, better known as Sexy shadow!"

"Uhh… no. That's quite all right. I don't want to-"

"She possesses the Mandegeyou Sharingan, Rin'negan, and the Gandegyou Byagugan!"

"What the f&#%!" I cursed. "There's no additional level to the Byagugan!"

Iruka ignored me. His glee had confused me at first. Iruka wasn't usually this… happy. It was subtle, but I noticed the personality changes of most of the Rookie nine.

Hinata, for some reason, was the least effected. I'm not sure what was different, but it seemed like…

"Naruto!" Hinata burst out suddenly. "Havesexwithmenow!"

Oh. She was a slut now. Kiba and Shino were humming emo songs, and Sakura… disappeared. Where the hell did she go?

Sasuke was the most dramatic. All throughout Iruka's rant (Which was still going on I might add) was grinning like a maniac. GRINNING. I also noticed he was bleeding on the wrists, although I didn't want to question that.

"I present… DEH MARY-SUE UCHIHA!!!" Iruka screamed. Smoke went everywhere… and then…

A girl emerged. She was... well, I'm not sure. Her eyes were six different colors, her hair was purple, gold, red, green, and black. Her nails were painted black (Of course) Her clothes appeared to have come from hot topic. Which didn't make any sense, since there's no hot topic stores in this world. But then, since when has any Mary-Sue made sense?

"Loling gais!" The Mary-Sue said gleefully. What? What did she just say?

"Yeh, Mary-Sue. Didjer gat Naruta to f#$^ Hinata yet?" Kiba asked. Great. In the Mary-Sue's presence Kiba must have been turned insane.

"Nah, nt yat. J/K, I'l nevar dew dat! Naruta is two sexah for Hinoto!" Mary-Sue said, obviously in a sort of biased tone.

"O, Okah." 'Hinoto' said happily. "I'l jus setle four Kibe than."

"ILE! Kibe si min, also! U can hav dat guy!" Mary-Sue screamed, pointing at me.

"Sweet! I mean…" I said, obviously flustered. I mean, if Hinata would only say yes…

"Na!" Hinata cried. Damn it! "I'l ga four Shina-kan!"

"Ga ahead." Mary-Sue said dismissively. "U can F^$& him no deh mission."

"YAH!" Hinata and Shino cried simultaneously.

"Sasuske-kun!" Mary-Sue barked. "Retrn wit mah two bad!"

"Yssssssssssssssssssssssss…" Sasuke muttered before Mary-Sue jumped in her arms.

"Hai! Naw!"

"What about my mission?" I asked. Of course, the real reason I wanted to go on the mission was to find the Mary-sue, but she was here. I was I asking? Well, I was getting what I wanted before she showed up.

"Shtu pu U ol druk!" She yelled at me. Wait… she called me OLD! And a drunk!

"I'm not a Shitty drunk!" I yelled at her.

"Yse U od! Ur acent PHAILS!"

Accent? She must be referring to the fact I wasn't using poor chatspeak. Or something. For all I know, I was speaking English accented Japanese to her ears, and she was speaking it perfectly. But then, she's a sue, so I'm not sure.

Then I realized something.

Didn't Iruka say there were two other ninja coming? Where was the other? Admittidly, it could be Sakura. She disappeared as soon as the Mary-Sue was mentioned, so maybe it's a chance to berate her for being late. But… the sue was late too! This makes no sense…

"Who was the other ninja coming?" I asked.

"Right here." a voice said. His accent sounding vaguely British. He appeared out of nowhere.

"Who the hell are you?" I, somewhat rudely, asked.

"I am someone who is interested in power. Power, our dear 'friend' has." The shadowy figure pointed to Mary-Sue, who was currently stripping Sasuke of all his clothes.

"Power…" I said slowly. The figure nodded.

"Yes. My hatred for your kind has reached its peak. For willingly providing my- heh- services, I have gained extreme power. Plus, I'm still halfway sane. So you won't go crazy before we kill you."

"My kind? You mean the Fanfiction authors?" I asked. Mary-Sue sounded like she was having a lot of fun back there, but I didn't look. My parents already think I'm looking at porn on the internet, and I didn't want to have to lie to them.

"No. Humans in general!" The figure screamed. "Your damn female population is sickening! They have no idea what true love is, while I," He said, thumping his chest. "Have modernized the Love Genre!"

"Okay, You're Romeo, right? He's not emo, Mary-Sue." I called apparently she didn't hear me.

"NO! He sucks! I'm better than Shakespeare!" The figure said obnoxiously.

"Dude, nobody's better than that guy."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." I shot back. "At least, in the background of the heart, and other human emotions."

"Haha…" The figure chuckled. "You think the heart is the cause for love? It's not. It's called: PURE MINDLESS SEX!"

"YOU SUCK!" I screamed at him. "You're Edward, aren't you?"

The figure almost fell over in shock. "But… I didn't even introduce myself yet!" The overrated 'Meyerpire' protested.

"You did." I said, only adding to his confusion. "Anyway, don't you already have a Mary-Sue and a self-insert to hang out with?"

"No!" He cackled. "I had her for lunch!"

"... You just said you revolutionized the Love genre." I said flatly. Edward chuckled.

"I did. Pedophilia, rape, stalking, and underage marriage… all supported by my book!"

"You forgot Incest." I pointed out. "And it's not your book. Even though you're the only reason why it's popular…"

"Yeah!" Edward said, with a huge grin on his face.

"Ohhhhhhhhh, Edie-kins!" Mary-Sue called. "I ned a thresome!"

"Gotta go." Edward said. He reached one of his hands behind his back. "Bye."

I found out later, he had a detonator. Seriously. A damn detonator. I figured it out by using my scroll to log into and reading her story. Of course, The Mary-Sue was an idiot, so Sakura simply put Dynamite, set off by Edwards detonator, on the support system. So I fell, and Mary-Sue being the badass she is survived. Me, being the intelligent hero, managed to survive the fall by properly preparing my knees. Yes, it still hurt.

It turns out; Sakura was planting a bomb right under where I was standing the whole time. I didn't see that coming. Apparently the Mary-Sue isn't above using characters she hates to do her dirty work.

It seems I have to search for Naruto on my own. I'm not sure if I'll succeed, but I might as well try.

Megagamer200


	4. Rock On?

Journal 4#

I actually found Jiariya before I sent my last journal out. The thing is, some things happened.

I've found the Mary-Sue's house.

Actually, 'house' isn't the right word. It's a freaking castle. That, surprisingly, does NOT have ominous thunderclouds flying over it all the time. No. Much worse.

The stupid castle is sparkling. Edward's work I suppose. It's always in the sun, and there are flowers everywhere.

I first saw the castle as I was walking through some random village I forget the name of. If I was in a anime (Which I am, kinda) I would've sweatdropped. It was that stupid looking. The purple rainbows, the sparkles, the constant sunlight… ugh. And to think she probably refers to it as a 'goffic' castle too…

Anyway, about Jiariya. I met him about five hours before this. I made a critical mistake when I approached him.

I knew who he was.

Apparently hardly anyone knows what the Sannin look like. So the fact that I knew he was 'Toad-Master Jiariya' and not "Icha-Icha author Jiariya' made him suspicious.

Of course, that's when I got sat on by that fat frog.

When it poofed off, Jiariya had disappeared.

"Son of a-" I swore, kicking the wall.

"You suck!" I screamed, hoping he could hear me. "May you never get laid ever aga-"

Turning around, I walked off to the exit of the bar I had confronted him at.

"Hey… you…"

I turned around to see some guy.

"Who the hell are you?" I rudely asked.

"I… don't know." He confessed. I was about to edge away from the crazy guy, but he added, "It starts with a 'J'.

"Okay… Mr. J, what do you want?" I asked.

"Take it." He tossed me… a whip. A pure, white whip.

"What is this?" I demanded.

"I don't know." He said again. "Except… I have a feeling it's going to be useful to you."

"Oh… sure." I said. "Thank you." I added, before leaving the bar.

Outside, I considered throwing away the whip. But right then, I realized I didn't have a weapon. It may not have been much, but I'd much rather have this whip than nothing.

I took an experimental swing. The whip flew through the air.

I flicked my wrist.

CRACK!

Cool! Let's try it on a target!

I chose some random board I had found in an alley. I flicked the whip again.

CRACK!

What the… I split the thing in half?

I was proud of this, until I realized there was no way I could break a piece of wood with a whip. Mr. 'J' didn't say anything about what this thing was. But then, he didn't even know his own name, so that was to be expected.

Back to the castle I will now and forever refer to as 'crap.'

I approached Castle crap with the whip in hand. It was quite a bit away. Which annoyed me. I hate walking long distances.

I walked up to crap, and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" A voice called from inside.

"I'm…" I began, but the voice cut me off.

"Doesn't matter. You're a guy. Are you emo?"

"Not really. No."

"Sexy?"

"I don't think so."

"Into Yaoi?"

"Hell no!"

"Die, YAOI-Hater!"

I dodged back as kunai flew threw the door. The girl who had thrown the knives jumped through the door, with two kunai in each hand.

I whacked her with the whip.

"OW! Yo-you big meanie!" The girl screamed, before running back inside the castle sobbing.

I assumed she was an average self-insert, because she forgot to close the door. Idiot. I went in, prepared for the worst.

That doesn't mean it wasn't shocking though.

I was witnessing the worst Rock concert in history. Guess who was the star?

Mary Sue Uchiha.

Okay, she was playing Guitar, but the band…

I knew these guys!

The Sound Five!

So… Mary-Sue brought them back to life? That's odd.

Jirobo was playing drums. He was also wearing a baseball hat (Backwards!) and seemed to be enjoying himself, or maybe because he was alive again?

Tayuya, of course, was playing Flute. Which seems out of place for a rock band, but it seemed to be working for her.

Sakon (Or Ukon) was playing keyboard. The other twin was playing bass guitar.

Kidomaru was playing… 3 different instruments. I couldn't even tell what. His six hands were a blur to me.

Kimimaro was singing.

All in all, they sucked. Big time. Except Tayuya, whose music actually sounded kind of nice…

I wondered what kind of horrible song Kimimaro was trying to sing. I'll write down the lyrics. I'm afraid I don't recognize it.

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

_[Chorus:]__  
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

_[Chorus]___

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along

_[Chorus]_

To me, it sounded like some song an emo band might play.

I then realized I was an idiot.

The Mary-Sue didn't bring them back to life. They weren't even dead yet!

I briefly wondered why these guys weren't with Orochimaru, but then dismissed it. There probably wasn't any good reason.

I snuck around, avoiding the screaming fans, and tried to find a way further into the castle. Of course, I found a passageway.

What the… who the hell puts a dungeon right next to the entrance hall? Doesn't that completely defy the purpose of a dungeon? They can break out much easier that way.

Anyway, I walked through the dungeon, searching for potential allies. Only one jail cell seemed to be inhabited. I approached it.

The figure seemed to be a mess. His long hair had obviously not been washed for a while. He seemed to be a wearing a Kimino. (For guys) I didn't recognize him.

"Yo. Dude, what are you doing in there?" I asked. The figure looked up.

Hic- lost my- Hic master so I- hic- went- hic! To Mary- Hic! Sue so- Hic! I could- Hic! Have- hic! A- hic! Purpose." The figure responded. I noticed he was holding a bottle of Sake.

"Hey, you shouldn't be drinking. What's your name?"

"Ha-hic! Ku."

"Okay… Hahicku, is there any other prisoners in this building?"

"Nope. Hic! Unless you count- hic! That albino in- hic! The band."

"Kimimaro?" I wondered aloud. "I don't-" Suddenly, light beams flashed on top of us.

Mary-Sue stood at the head of the security force.

"Three eh si!" She screamed. "tahts teh gai who treid ot tkae thsee pron pcirteus of em!"

"What?" I blinked.

"Hic- we- hic- challenge you- hic- to a music- hic- competion. Hahicku said from his drunken space.

"Oh crap."

Later…

"Uhhh… Okay. You sure you can sing?" I asked Hahicku.

"Hic- sure. I'm- hic- drunk."

"That's very reassuring man." I sighed.

The Mary-Sue appeared on stage.

"Smoe noobz tnihk tehy cna tkae su on!" She screamed. The crowd sceamed various rock crap, including classics like, "Marry me!" "You rock, dude!" And our favorite… 'YOU SUCK!"

The guy who shouted the last one was immediately killed however. Now I know how she keeps her fans.

Edward was skulking around backstage, the dirty bastard. He claimed to be Mary-Sue's 'manager' but I knew better. Like real agents, all he was looking for was to get laid.

"Hic… Remember the song… hic." Hahicku said as he stepped up to the microphone.

"This song is- hic! Dedicated to- hic! The bitchy Mary-Sue." Ignoring her screams of rage, I started to play. Hahicku started to sing.

(Original song belongs to RareWare. If you want to use this song for yourself, go ahead. Just be sure to state where you got it from)

_She is the great Mary Sue,_

_And she thinks she can beat the shit out of you,_

_A huge amount of crap,_

_Comes from her when she naps,_

_Look at her and say ugly!_

_(Breif pause)_

_She is a dirty whore,_

_She shops all day at the Hot topic store,_

_She writes, about her, and Japanese freaks,_

_The rest of the world needs brain bleach!_

_We hate, all of her art,_

_It's like an elephant took a fart!_

_(brief pause)_

_She looks at me, she is really pissed,_

_I bet Santa Claus is putting her on his Naughty list, _

_She looks at me and wussy says,_

_I'll take your cock and ram it my-"_

"That's going to be censored." I muttered.

_So you can know,_

_She fell really low,_

_But nobody cares!_

"HELL YEAH!" The crowd screamed. "ENCORE! ENCORE!"

"NO!" Mary-Sue screamed. "U!" She pointed at me. "I challenge you to a guitar Hero battle!"

"Really? That's lame. Bring it on, bitch." I challenged.

Brief pause.

"Hey… what happened to your chatspeak?"

She didn't answer me. The song had already begun.

(Song inspired by The Charlie Daniels Band, again, must ask permission before using)

_The Mary-Sue went down to Konoha,_

_She was looking for a body to steal,_

_She was in a bind,_

_She was way behind,_

_She was willing to make a deal._

_But then she came across,_

_A young lad writing a fanfic and doing it hot,_

_Then the Mary-Sue jumped up on a Hickory stump_

_And said, "boy let me tell you what!_

_I bet you didn't know it, but I'm a fanfiction writer too,_

_And if you care _

_to make a dare,_

_I'll make a bet with you._

_Now you write a pretty good fanfic boy,_

_But give the sue her due,_

_I'll bet my computer of gold, against your virginity, that I can write better than you."_

_The boy said "My name's Megagamer,_

_And it might be to prove a point,_

_But I'll take your bet, _

_Your going regret,_

_(Pause)_

'_cause you just suck that much!"_

_Megagamer, prepare your keys,_

_And write that fanfiction well,_

_Cause the Mary-Sue is _

_Writing as bad as (Bleep)_

"What? They censored that part? How dare they!" I seethed as I played.

_If you win you get your freedom and but don't write shoddy,_

_Cause if you lose,_

_The Mary-Sue gets your body!_

_(Guitar)_

_The Mary Sue said she would start this show,_

_Ideas from her wet dreams,_

_Came from her bow, her manager._

I glared at Edward, who waved.

_She threw that crap onto the screen,_

_And said "Isn't that genius?"_

_Megagamer the lean said _

"_This is exactly why you will never suck (Bleep)_

"Those censors are irritating!" I muttered. "Even though that's something Sai might say…"

_Or even get in bed!"_

_Megagamer, prepare your keys,_

_And write that fanfiction well,_

_Cause the Mary-Sue is _

_Writing as bad as (Bleep)_

_If you win you get your freedom but don't write be shoddy,_

_Cause if you lose,_

_The Mary-Sue gets your body!_

_The Mary-Sue let Megagamer and Hahikcu leav Cuz she'd been beat._

_Before they left she kneeled at the ground at Megagamer's feet,_

_Megagamer said "If you wanna write again,_

_I told you once you little bitchy whore,_

_People like you, have no life,_

_Unlike me, and Cloud Strife,_

_Just come on back, if you ever want be flamed again._

_But just so you know,_

_We're already… gone._

"That was awesome!" Hahicku cracked up. "The look on her face was priceless!"

"I had another parody in mind." I frowned. "I wished we stayed to play that…" I put on a smile. "Doesn't mean it wasn't awesome though!"

"Yeah. Anyway… I was wondering… I really have no purpose in life anymore. I'd love to fight alongside you."

"Your sure?" I asked him.

"Yeah. It's not like there's anything better to do with my time. Getting stabbed with a fistful of lightning hurt like a bitch though…"

"Glad to have you helping out." I answered.

**Dadadada!**

**Haku joined your party!**

"Where the hell did that come from?" I wondered.

"Doesn't matter." Haku said. "What's our next move, commander?


	5. Christmas special

Journal number 5#

I seriously thought it was a good idea at the time. Christmas is fast approaching, and I was suddenly hit by an interesting notion:

What if we could get Santa Claus to aid us in the fight against Mary-Sue?

It was with this sudden plan, and the fact I had no idea what else to do, I decided we should head to the North Pole. Haku apparently knew who Santa Claus was, so he obviously existed. The only problem was how to get there…

"It's quite easy, actually." Haku explained to me. "We hop a boat to Snow Country, and then take a train as far north as it goes. Then we walk."

"In case you forgot," I said patiently. "I'm not a ninja, and I'll probably freeze really quick up there without the proper… 3000 pounds of necessary gear."

Haku grinned.

"Ah, but your talking about temperature. You could also starve, dehydrate, and knowing you crappy civilians, drown."

I sighed.

"So how do we-" A sudden thought hit me. If Santa existed, that means Rudolph existed. And if Rudolph existed…

…………………………………

"So Ya'll want ta go up to the north pole, is that right?" Leroy the Red-neck reindeer asked, in his stupid sounding southern drawl.

"Uhhh… yeah. How do we get there?" I asked. Leroy grinned.

"Well, I met some stupid looking lass a while back… she was-a-wanting to go the North Pole too. So I told her to take my pickup truck… and she left all of her Snow mobiles, fur coats, food, and all that other jazz out back."

"Wow… that was convenient." Haku remarked.

"He meant that it was Mary-Sue." I pointed out. Turning back to Leroy, I inquired: "Do we have to pay you, or anything?"

"Oh, no. It's not my stuff. I only gave that lass my truck because she threatened to call some kind of professional deer wrangler, or something."

"Rigggghhhhhttt… so we can take anything the Mary-Sue left?"

"Absolutely."

…………………………………………..

With our newly acquired gear, we stole a boat to Snow country. We would have stowed away, except it became clear we couldn't hide all that stuff without getting noticed.

Anyway, we paid passage by impersonating Will Turner and Jack Sparrow, I'm not exactly sure how we pulled it off... All I remember…

Me and Haku had already snuck all the stuff inside the brig. The crew were working hard, and were soooooo not expecting us. We were currently hiding

"Okay, you little bastards! Get your whiny little asses off this boat right now, and nobody gets hurt." I said threatingly, holding my whip. Haku was holding a few senbon in between his fingers. The crew looked at each other, and laughed.

"hahaha…. You kids are priceless! First mate, get that nerd and the girl off my ship." The captain commanded.

"Hey, who are you calling- Oh shit!" Since Haku was standing slightly behind me, I ducked as soon as I realized what he had said.

Whiz, whiz, whiz!

Well, there goes the crew.

"Come on! We have to raise the sails! And the Anchor! And do other things!" I yelled at Haku. Already some guys on the dock were trying to board. Haku took care of them really fast. Actually, he took care of just about everything. I watched in awe as he apparently (I couldn't see him) Flew everywhere, raising the sails and the like, while killing invading sailors. I decided to go try to raise the anchor, but when I got over there, I realized Haku had already did it.

In fact, he had done everything.

Everyone who had wanted to stop us was dead, we were sailing, and we didn't pay a single cent.

Haku suddenly appeared right in front of me, sulking.

"Do I look like a girl to you?" He asked, with a slightly threatening tone.

"Ummmmm…" Honestly, for some reason, I couldn't ever picture Haku as a girl. I don't know why.

"Oh great, Zabuza-san, I have failed you!" He cried dramatically. "I am too girly to be taken seriously! No wonder why everyone called you a pedophile! Wa-"

"If he had actually cared about your looks, he would have said something." I said as I sat down at the tiller. "Now be a good one man crew, and make sure everything is ship-shape."

………………………………………………

"Oi, Haku." I called from the tiller. "If the Ninjas on this continent practice Buddhism and Shinto, why the hell do you celebrate Christmas?"

"Our 'Christmas' is apparently different from yours." Haku replied. "Although Santa still brings us gifts, it's not for the same reason." He peered over the railing. "We'll be there soon. I'd say another half-hour."

……………………………………..

We finally made it to Snow country, and unloaded all of the Mary-Sue's stuff. We immediately headed north, towards the North Pole.

"So, where is it exactly?" I asked Haku. We why in the middle of damn nowhere, and were lost."

"I'm not sure." Haku said, frowning. "Maybe we should ask for directions…"

"And you wonder why everyone thinks you're a girl." I muttered.

"What was that?"

"Nothing…"

……………………………..

We finally found one of those candy-cane signs you see in the movies all the time.

North Pole: North.

"Oh, there's no way we could have figured that out." I said sarcastically.

"I think it means its north of this sign. It is pointing north…" He observed. "I see it!"

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go see Santa!"

………………………………………….

We arrived at the factory, I assumed the Elfin village was behind it, and Haku knocked on the door.

"It ain't Jack Frost, right?" The voice asked… in a southern accent.

"No, now open the door please!" I called. The door opened to reveal a short little man.

"Oh, Hey, Ya'll, kids! They made it up here on they're own!" The little man shouted.

"Ummm… Yeah. Not to be rude or anything, but why do you have a southern accent… in the North Pole?" Haku asked. The Little man grinned.

"It's cuz I'm a brownie from the south! Some elfs decided to take the year off, so Santa had to come down and hire us! Come on, I'll give you the tour!"

The Brownie led us through the factory, showing us candy canes, the things they used to make toys, among other things. Of course, I can't tell you exactly, because Santa has to keep his secrets.

"So… where's the big guy?" I asked. The brownie sighed.

"Asking Capcom to reproduce copies of RE4… again."

"What exactly? I don't understand." Haku asked.

I frowned.

"Santa has to obey video game reproduction laws?"

"It's annoying." The brownie told us. "We didn't used to have to do it, and Nintendo didn't really care, but the Third-Party developers eventually got pissed off at us for not obeying the copyright. So we now have to get permission every damn year, and they're unusually busy this time of year, so it's a pain to set a meeting up. So now we only have till Christmas Eve to get em' made. And it's a pain to make them, too. Santa has been working on a tight budget these last few years, so he can't upgrade our computers-"

Suddenly, something beeped.

"Attention, brownie number 2595?" A voice called from something I assumed was some kind of intercom. "It appears we have guests. The Big guy is inviting them to dinner. It starts at eight."

"Wow, really?" Haku said aloud. "Dinner with Santa Claus… hope there's candy."

"Yes, well, we don't often have guests." The brownie implied. "And Santa's probably doing it for himself too… he's been working non-stop since November. I'll take you down to the Banquet hall."

…………………………

When we got the Banquet hall, the brownie left us, telling us to have fun. I noticed a few elves setting the table and….

"What… what the hell? What are you doing here?" I demanded. The man blinked lazily at me.

He was easily the tallest Elf (Or Brownie) here. He was also the only one carrying a weapon. A Sword and a Shield. This man had also had a stupid looking hat, and a different tunic than the Elf's.

"…" He glanced at me briefly, and then left.

"Who was that?" Haku asked me.

"That was Link." A voice from the balcony above stated. We looked up.

It was Santa. After all this time, I was seeing him in person. I sort of felt giddy, but I had to question him.

"Why is he here?"

"Besides Brownies, I had to hire Hylians." He answered. The Balcony opened up, and an elevator descended. "They're actually excellent workers." He descended and peered at us.

"Hmmmm… Haku. I haven't received your wish list in years…" He murmured. "Of course, that's to be expected. You couldn't exactly send me a list if you were running around with Zabuza."

He then turned to me.

"Megagamer200. Attitude problems, a foul mouth, showing disrespect to your betters, although you mean well." He frowned. "Every year, you cut it pretty close."

"Oh, haha… sorry, man." I said sheepishly. Santa smiled.

"It's quite all right. Anyway, you wanted to see me?"

"Uhh… yes. You know about the Mary-Sue, right?"

Santa sighed.

"Of course. Mark my words, she isn't getting any presents this year… not that she gets any anyways."

I was about to ask him where I should go to find something to stop her, but Haku decided to pipe up.

"Why didn't she ever get any presents?"

Santa snorted.

"That girl… the way she was raised… disgusting. Her parents attended to her every need, and taught her she was better than everybody else." Santa snorted. "They even bought her presents as Christmas, and pretended they were from me. I found that highly insulting." Santa reminisced. "Eventually, she went to school, and she expected to be extremely populaur." Santa made a small smile. "She wasn't. Every one hated her. Of course, her parents encouraged her to be 'emo.' Believe me, she had no real reason to pretend. She wasn't depressed. Just hurt."

"So… she then discovered FF . net, right?" Haku asked. Santa nodded.

"When she discovered it, she immediately created all of her disgsusting fantasy's- she had already become a Naruto fan-"

"Wait, our Series is called Naruto?" Haku asked, with a look of shock on his face. "I thought it was about me!"

We ignored him.

"So she posted all of her crap on that site." Santa concluded.

"Okay, so-"

BANG!

The floor shook. Santa and I were almost knocked off balance, but Haku remained upright.

"What the hell was that?" I demanded.

"I'm… not sure." Santa said uneasily.

A elf ran into the room, screaming his head off.

"Santa! We're under attack!"

……………………………………

Santa, Haku, me, and a few random elves went out to see what the hell was going on. The answer was obvious.

Mary-Sue.

This time, she was in a bikini. Damn whore.

I think it's number three of the law of anime: **Nobody ever gets cold. EVER!** Or something along those lines… I really have to find a link to that thing…

She was also standing on… A Final Fantasy airship. Where did she get that?

Anyway, Edward was staring at us. He was standing behind Mary-Sue and… well, being Edward, I guess.

Santa looked up at the Sue.

"Ralph, my translator."

"Right away sir." The elf took out something that looked vaguely like a ipod, and pressed the button.

A tiny robot flew out, circled the Sue a few times, then returned to the Ipod.

"Translation complete sir."

"What do you people want?" Santa asked angrily. "We simply make toys here!"

"That's the problem." The sue said icily. "You never gave me anything I really wanted for Christmas! Before this, I was still a virgin! Prepare to die, Fat man!"

"Everyone!" Santa screamed. "Back in the factory!"

"FIRE!" The Sue screamed as several missile hatches opened, and I assumed they fired. I assumed because I was running as fast as I could.

Haku got there first, and opened the door.

"In! Hurry!"

When the last elf squeezed through the door, Haku slammed it shut.

BAM!

"Raise the shields!" Santa yelled.

Apparently the elves had prepared before the Sue had fired, because the Candy Canes circling the factory were actually force Field rods. You know, those things that conduct the force fields? Yeah, I don't get it either.

"To my office!" Santa commanded us. We nodded.

"Elves, Brownies, and the Hylians, prepare for battle." Santa commanded. We won't fire back yet. We'll wait until Dawn."

"Yes, sir!" Santa's new 'army' said, surprisingly professionally.

"Brownie 2595, bring Link to my office." Santa told the Sotuhern Brownie who had brought us in.

"Of course sir." 2595 scurried off.

"Come with me now." Santa commanded us.

………………………………………………

"You will fight with us, right?" Santa asked us.

"Of course." I answered. Haku just nodded.

"That's good." Santa sighed. "The Hylians are probably the only good foot soldiers I have here. And there's not many of them. We're going to have to-"

Blam. We heard a missile hit the shield, and apprarently explode, not hurting the shield in the slightest.

"They're going to break it eventually." Santa answered my unasked question.

"…" Link walked in, like the mute freak that he is.

"Ah, Link." Santa welcomed. "You're a trained warrior. I'm going to have to ask you to take a lot of risks. Will you?"

Link Nodded.

"Good." Turning to us, he told us the plan….

……………………………………………

"So, we hit back at dawn, huh?" Haku asked me.

"Yeah." I answered.

Since Elve's, brownies, and Hylians need considerably less sleep than Humans, Santa told us to get some rest, and gave us a room.

And I couldn't sleep. So I wrote this journal. I feel… so sleepy…

End of Journal 5#


	6. Against Jasper

Journal 6#

Haku and I awoke to the fresh sound of the North Pole on a busy day.

"FIRE BACK TROOPS!" Someone screamed, and I heard several projectiles whiz through the air and apparently hit the Sue's ship.

"Damn it!" The Sue cursed. And no, I have no idea how I heard her from here. "I can't stay! I'm going to be late for my affair with Itachi-kun! And my accent sucks! Edward! Take over command!"

Since I couldn't actually see her, I assumed she teleported away.

"Allright guys!" Edward's voice echoed throughout the Place like he was right there. Or something. "I'm in charge here! So surrender now, and you won't have to be hurt by my superpowers!"

"We should go find Santa and Link." Haku murmured.

I nodded, and followed Haku out.

We found Santa and Link standing next to the Sleigh. Santa seemed slightly nervous, and Link simply seemed impatient.

"…" Link said, looking at us.

"uhhh… Hi to you too." I answered.

"All right boys. Back to business. The plan: I'll open the gate, and you three will fly out. My Elves will cover the you, and hopefully the entrance. Your job is to land on the deck of Mary Sue's Airship, and destroy its propulsion system. That thing is the core of all the other ships out there."

"What does that mean, exactly?" Haku asked with a confused look on his face.

"It means that the Sue's personal Airship commands all the other ships." I answered. "It must give power to the ships as well."

"That's not all." Santa said with a frown. "Besides the Airship, all the other aircraft are AI controlled, set from the Airship."

"What?" Haku asked with a bewildered look on his face.

"He means that the soldier planes don't need pilots."

"The Airship also produces more ships on a regular basis."

"I get the problem!" Haku exclaimed. "The Airship is like a giant factory!"

"Exactly." Santa nodded. "That thing is producing all the aircraft on the battlefield."

"What about the infantry?" I asked.

Santa smiled.

"The Airship is too far away to actually send in foot soldiers." Santa said. "However, they do have a pretty big Navy; they're defying the laws of nature and are actually sailing all the way up here. But don't worry about them. I got people." Santa said with a twinkle in his eyes. "All I want you to deal with is the airship."

"Got it." I said as I climbed up into the sleigh. The Reindeer readied themselves.

"This is war. You'll be all right, I presume?" Haku inquired.

"I'll be fine." Santa said dismissively. "Just do what you have to do."

"Of course." Haku jumped in right behind me.

"…" Link said as he climbed in.

**Dadada!**

**Link temporarily joined your party!**

For obvious reasons, Rudolph wasn't leading. I didn't recognize any of the Reindeer except Blitzen, for some reason.

"ummm… Mush!" I called. Despite the fact that was probably not the term Santa typically used, they got the idea and started running.

"Open the gates!" Santa cried out.

The gates opened, and… six different missiles were flying straight at us.

"Holy shit!" I cried, and instantly, six different innocent looking Christmas trees bent over and shot lasers at the missiles, causing them to explode immediately.

"That was freaking awesome." Haku commented. I nodded. I noticed that the door we had come out of had already closed, so there was no reason to hang around. With a loud ha! We turned south, where the Airship predictably was.

It seems the AI controlled planes had orders to attack a flying sleigh pulled by Reindeer, so we bombarded multiple times.

It turns out that Santa had underground laser Christmas tree things. So when we got jumped, the nearest one popped up and struck it with a laser. I wondered briefly why they always tried a Kamikaze attack instead of shooting us with a gun where they had a much greater percentage of actually living to kill someone else.

But then I realized that the Sue probably had didn't know shit about guns, and had no idea how to reproduce them in an airship. Although I'm probably wrong.

What I saw next shocked me.

A huge Fleet of ships were sailing under us. They were on fire. No, literally, they were on fire. They were burning there way through the ice to attack Santa's place themselves.

"Since we're over the ice now, the Christmas tree's won't pop up." Haku observed. "If a ship comes, we're probably screwed."

"…" Link pointed.

"What do you- shit."

A ship came. We were screwed. Until…

"Whoooossssshhhhh!" A mysterious 1985 DeLereon flew- yes flew- out of nowhere, tracing flames in it's wake. The flying car had a freaking machine gun attached to the roof, and it shot the missile in mid-air, and it blew up, not harming us at all."

The window rolled down to reveal Doc Brown.

"Doc!" I cried in surprise. "When did you get here?"

"Just now. I came because I thought you needed some practical help. That, and I had nothing better to do. Maybe after this Santa will give me that thing I wanted for Christmas before I had my vision?" Doc mused.

"Can you watch over us as we raid the Airship?" I asked.

"Of course. You should have equipped weapons on that thing you know." Doc said, before rolling up his window.

"So that was Doc Brown." Haku said. "I have to talk with him later."

I was about to question why, but decided against it.

…………………

The rest of the ride passed smoothly, probably because the AI was more concerned about Santa's house then the Sleigh. Whenever we did come across a ship however, Doc had shot it down.

When we made it to the airship, Doc said he'd put his ammo to good use and kill some noobz. I wished him good luck and he left.

Since it's a giant factory, and the Mary-Sue never bothered to correct this issue, it didn't have a weapons system. The Sleigh landed on the deck quietly. Since the ships came out on the bottom, obviously they didn't see us.

"Bye Buddy." I whispered to Blitzen as we left the Team behind.

For some reason, this ship was deserted. Nobody manning the computers, no robots doing the work, not even Edward being an overrated asshole.

"There has to be a crew on here somewhere." I muttered as we walked even further downstairs. "There's no way something like this would just be deserted."

"She's a sue, so maybe she has some kind of pixie do it for her." Haku suggested.

"I doubt it. Let's just go further downstairs and find the engine room."

We walked farther downstairs, and we came across a convenient sign.

Engine room: Left

Epic boss fight: Right

"They might have switched it." Haku realized as he ran his hands over the board. "To confuse us."

"…" Link appeared to want to go right.

"Well, I think we should go left." I decided. "Who would be stupid enough to switch the signs, anyway?"

"Damn it! Everyone, in the engine room, quick!" I heard someone shout from the right.

Several people rushed past us so fast I didn't even see them.

"That… was weird. How many were there?"

"Over 135." Haku answered. "They started mixing after that."

"So we're going to have to fight all of those punks?" I asked.

Link shook his head.

"Okay, you're the master…" We entered the engine room.

What we saw shocked us.

"Attention Duelists!" A man with a stupid hairdo yelled. "It's time for the Yu-gi-oh North Pole war Tournament! If the pole wins, they disable our engine! If we win, they die! What will happen? Who will win? An epic contest of a children's card game awaits!"

The crowd, who were obviously the people who had raced past us earlier, cheered like it there was no tomorrow.

"It appears they have set up a arena of some sort." Haku observed. "Just what is this, 'Yu-gi-oh?"

"It's… a crappy children's card game." I answered. "It also has an Anime and Manga."

Haku looked shocked. Even Link looked a bit taken aback.

"A manga about card games?" He demanded. "Is there even a plot?"

"Yes, as far as I can tell, some guy is trying to take over the world… by playing card games."

Haku didn't have a chance to question this, as the freaky haired guy started announcing again.

"Attention Duelists! The Match will soon begin! In this corner, is the crappy author everyone loves to flame, Megagamer200!"

"Boooooooooooooooo!" The crowd screamed.

I looked bemused as I stood on the that stupid platform thing and prepared to duel.

"In this corner, is the sexy vampire Jasper Hale!"

"Shit." I curse.

Jasper, besides Edward, is quite possibly the most popular main character in the Twilight series. Even though he's minor.

"GO! GO! Goooooooooooooooooo Jasper!" The crowd cheered.

"That's right!" Jasper screamed as he threw his hands in the air. He didn't even lower the elevator, he had just jumped. "Who's the most badass duelist around? Me!"

"Who trash talks during a card game?" I wondered aloud.

Before Jasper could even begin to berate me, the Announcer guy started announcing again.

"Since Megagamer does not have a deck, we created one for him. Before you ask, we're not going to be cheating bastards during this duel. Megagamer's deck is a perfect representation of his interests."

I didn't even want to know what that meant. I noticed a deck just sitting there, all looking all innocent.

"Begin!"

Megagamer: 2000

Jasper: 2000

"I'm sorry, but I don't know how to play this game." I said.

"Wha- liar! Everyone loves to play card games! Am I right?"

"I don't."

"Just look it up on the internet or something. It's my move!" He dramatically drew a card.

"Right… I play-"

"This game is boring." I complained. "Couldn't you have come up with a better challenge?"

"How is this game not challenging?" Jasper demanded.

"Simple. You just make up rules as you go. Or threaten Suicide. Something like that."

"Give me one example." Jasper requested.

"That one time Yugi freaking uses an Arrow card of something like that to fuse a skeleton to a three headed dragon to reduce its attack points."

"So you are a fan!" Jasper accused.

"What? No! I just watch Yu-Gi-Oh abridged on Youtube."

"You're a F#$%ING retard."

"You're a card playing dumbass. See what I care."

"Your petty insults do nothing to me!" Jasper boasted. "My cards are too awesome too lose!"

"I don't want to play." I said patiently.

"Too bad! You lose, you die!"

"Haku, cut yourself."

Jasper's eyes turned into shock.

"Wha- how could you?"

"Why?" Haku asked. "I don't wanna be an emo!"

"Oh yeah." Jasper recalled. "I conveniently have noseplugs in. So your petty plan didn't work! Your going to have to duel me!"

"Haha… well F$#%." I curse. "Never mind Haku."

"Oh the pain… it feels so good… Zabuza… I miss you…"

Link was trying to get Haku to drink a potion, but he wasn't having much success.

"Okay, now I'll play." Jasper said as he scanned his hand. "I play…. Darth Vader (Attack: 2300 Defense: 2700) in attack mode. I also play two face down cards-"

"Hey! Darth Vader deserves more attack points than that!" I complain.

"Well too freaking bad. This game doesn't make any sense anyway. Your move."

"Allright…." I drew a card, and decided to make my move. "I play the Spoony Bard (Attack: 500 Defense: 700) and use I decide to use his crappy special abilty. I flip a coin, and if I win, one of four things of my choice happens. If you win, nothing happens. I choose sleep option. Here we go!" I toss the coin in the air…

And it was heads.

"I win." I said smugly. "Now Vader-"

"HEY! You never said which side you were supporting!" Jasper yelled.

It's called 'cheating' get used to it. Even the professionals don't know the rules." I spoke as I pointed at Darth Vader and screamed: "Fall asleep, bitch!"

Darth Vader: Attack: 0 Defense: 2700

"He'll stay that way for three turns." I said with a grin. "Now I conveniently decide to kill you! Spoony bard, attack!"

The Spoony Bard jumped up and killed Darth Vader.

"No! Grrr…. You Spoony Bard! Take that! I activate Reverse, on my other face down card Monster reborn, to kill that son of a bitch!"

The Spoony bard died.

"Ummm… Wouldn't it have made more sense to wait for a stronger monster? And I thought you couldn't use spell cards on your turn?"

"Yeah so?"

"It's against the rules."

"Screw the rules, I have money! Now are you done?"

"I play a card face down." I said as I did just that.

M: 2000

J: 1500

"Since you don't have any monsters on the field, I can use this!" Jasper played a card. "This is called 'Pit Master' and it destroys all Spell and Trap cards on the field.

My face down card blew up.

"Now, I play Alice Cullen!" (A: 4600 D: 3400)

"Those points are crazy…" I muttered.

"Now attack his life points directly!"

"Oh shit!" Haku screamed like a girl as Alice came down on me… Link must have forced the potion down his throat by now or something. I wasn't really paying attention. He also got over the emo streak quite fast…

"Hold on!" I said dramatically. "I activate my trap card!"

"What? But I destroyed it!" Jasper gasped.

"That's just it; it could only be activated by being destroyed. Lucky you. It's a card called 'Palutena's Angel'. It allows me to someone a certain card from my deck. Behold!"

Pit Icarus (Attack: 3500 Defense: 3100)

Unfortunately, I have to summon him in attack mode." I admitted. I don't feel like cheating when I don't have to, and you called you attack anyway, might as well finish it."

Pit died.

M: 1400

J: 1500

"My turn!" I drew a card. "I play three cards face down. I also play Simon Belmont. (A: 1500 D: 1000)

"That guys a puss!" Jasper laughed. "Alice will kick his ass!"

"No. Just no. Even though you're actually Faeries, you're regarded by the public as vampires. And it so happens that Simon can automatically kill vamps!"

Alice died.

"Finally! Now I can get a new girlfriend!" Jasper cheered.

"You do realize this is only a card game, right?"

"Card games are more important to me than my life!" Jasper snapped.

"You're a Faerie that everyone thinks is a vampire. The way Meyer explains it, you're dead." I pointed out.

"Bella never did make sense! My move!" Jasper drew a card. Bwahahahahaha…"

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"Since Alice is dead, I can do this! Cullen family reunion!"

"Oh F#$$%ing shit on a sandwich with a side helping of ass with damn screwed on top." I cursed.

"If any of the Cullens are sent to the graveyard, I can bring all nine of them forth!"

"Even though you can only have five monsters on the field at once?"

"We're the Cullens, we defy logic, physics, romance chemistry, reproduction sciences, basic laws of nature, and the fact that the books suck, but no one cares because Edward's described as sexy."

Jasper Hale (A: 6000 D: 6000

Emmett Cullen: A:8500 D:4500

Rosalie Hale: A: 4000 D: 3000

Carlislie Cullen: A: 7500 D: 5500

Esme Cullen: A: 0 D: 0

Bella Cullen: A: 7500 D; 7500

Renessmee Cullen: A: 8888 D: 0

Edward Cullen: A: 8999 D: 8999

Alice Cullen: A: 4600 D: 3500

"As you can see, you're F##$ed." Jasper said with a grin. "I'll destroy you next turn just to show off how badass and sexy we are. Draw your last pathetic card!"

"This is it." I muttered to myself. "Only one card could save me."

I drew a card…

"Well?" Jasper asked impatiently.

I smiled.

"It's over.

"What do you mean by: It's over?" Jasper asked. I have all my family members out in the field, and you have nothing. Nothing! No matter what pathetic card you drew, you can't win!"

"Oh really." I stated. "I play…"

Really, really, really awesome theme music plays. The hologram projectors couldn't take it's awesomeness. The whole thing started cracking…

"What? You haven't even played the card! What is this power?" Jasper demanded.

"Even his card reflects his awesomness." Was my answer.

Chuck Norris: A: 9999 (Thing stopped working… but everyone knows how high it should have been)

"No… Not him… Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Jasper screamed.

"Chuck! Roundhouse kick!"

The following scene was too awesome to write out, but basically Chuck pwned all those little sex toys.

M: 1400

J: 0000

"The winner: Megagamer200! We're all going to die now. Thank you for watching!"

End of Journal 6#


	7. School! of Lust! Err love!

Journal 7#

We escaped. Metroid style.

"…" Link screamed at me at the top of his lungs has I tried to power up the damn elevator.

"I'm working on it!" I snapped.

"Hey look. An obscure video game reference." Haku pointed down the hallway, and I just had to look.

Big mistake.

We were still in the duel arena. There was a conveniently placed elevator at behind where Jasper was, and it was the only elevator not taken. I was so shocked with the dueling crap I didn't notice there were elevators everywhere. Hang on… aren't you supposed to not take an elevator in an emergency?

Oh yeah. The mistake.

See, it turns out there _was_ an actual boss. Not that puss Jasper. Something much worse.

"…" Link asked.

"Well, I'd better explain…" I started, but then… the Unicorn attacked.

That's right, the multi-tailed demon unicorn I mentioned in the first journal that I never mentioned again.

Well shit.

"Power up dammit!" I yelled at the elevator.

"It's coming for us." Haku said emotionlessly.

The elevator's control was a touch screen. Finally, it started working.

"Yes!" I shouted, as I hit 'ascend.'

**Password?**

"… Shit." I said rhetorically.

"We'll hold it off." Haku said.

"…" Link asked.

"Of course I can hack it. Just keep it off my back."

I know next to nothing about hacking, but if this sue was as predictable as I thought she was, it would probably be cake.

I heard the sounds of fighting behind me. Apparently Haku was trying to trap the damn thing, while Link hit it with Light arrows.

"…" Link demanded.

"In Megagamer's terms, it's because it's a Sue. You are actually correct. Holy Arrows should smite this demon, however, this thing already denies the laws of nature. So naturally-"

I typed in **Inotasue!**

The elevator began to ascend.

Haku just ran. Link used his hookshot to grapple on and just barely made it.

We were going like, 150 MPH, and that thing still was chasing us.

" Any Ideas?" I asked.

"…" Link suggested.

"This place is going to blow up soon. Exposing it to this ships fuel source would probably do nothing anyway." Haku pointed out.

I looked down at the Unicorn, who was following us by shrinking itself to accomadate the elevator shaft. It used it's tails to stab holes in the walls, to pull itself up.

"Where does this shaft go, anyway?" I asked.

"Considering the others used the other elevators as an escape route, perhaps it leads to the evacuation center."

"…"

"You're right!" I gasped. "We aren't we slowing?"

"We are moving very quickly. Mayhaps the Sue defied basic laws of space and has more room inside the airship than the outside provides?" Haku suggested.

Turns out, it wasn't like that at all.

We realized, it didn't lead to the evacuation.

It _was _the evacuation.

"Holy shit!" I cried out as he flew out of the shaft.

"…" Link grinned.

"You're right." Haku nodded. "This is vaguely reminiscent of a populaur childrens' book."

"Charlie and the Choclate Factory right?" I smirked. "That was pretty sweet."

Then the airship blew up.

"…"

"They're fine. See? Flying off into the distance?" Indeed, The reindeer has escaped the explosion.

"Hey, where are all the other elevators?" Haku asked.

I looked around.

"I don't see any…"

"…" Link said.

"Really?" I looked down. "Why are they in the water? Shouldn't the propulsion system have kicked in?"

"Actually, the answer is simple." Haku said, oddly detached.

"What?"

"This elevator has no propulsion system."

"…"

"Well, F$&$."

"ARGH!"

We all crashed into the sea.

……………………..

"Wait… What?" I shouted.

"I'm serious." Santa said earnestly. "They helped us. They're friends."

"No. Merely allies, nothing more." Itachi stated.

"Mary-Sue can't screw around with any of the Akatsuki yet." Santa explained. "But when Part II rolls around in this time, she will."

"…" Link asked.

"You did well Link. Get some rest."

Link shrugged and left.

"Now… down to business." Santa said.

"Yes. First things first." Doc said, rather exciteable. "I can use the parts from Mary-Sue's Airship to construct one… equipped with time-travel! I'm sure you'll love it. I must get to work immediately. If you'll excuse me…" And with that, he left.

"I gave him permission to use my resources." Santa explained. "Anyway, serious, serious, trouble is brewing in Konoha now."

"Has Sasuke left yet?" I asked. I noticed Itachi looked… different, when I said that. Must have been my imagination.

"No. I'm not sure what happened. But… you must go!" Santa commanded us.

"We get the DeLereon, right?" I asked.

Santa sighed.

"Yes, you get the DeLereon."

"Yes!" I cheered.

"The Akatsuki offer their support only because of the Unicorn. It's presence disrupts our master plan." Itachi explained. "Quite honestly, Leader-Sama doesn't give a damn about OOCness or Mary-Sue'."

"What?" Haku blinked. "He… doesn't care?"

Kisame, who had basically just been silent this whole time, basically decided to talk.

"It's not your place to question our leader… girlie."

Even though he had obviously just been screwing around with him, Haku got… angry.

"Dammit! I'm not a girl!"

"Silence!" Santa shouted. "Now… Itachi. What about…"

"We have our current assignment to think about." Itachi cut in. "We'll deal with this… issue at a later date."

I knew he was talking about Naruto.

"Come Kisame." Itachi turned, and walked out of the room. Kisame followed, glancing at Haku, maybe he recognized him? Anyway, he left also.

"Allright. Head back to Konoha, and see what's going on." Santa instructed us. "After Christmas, I'll aid you some more, okay?"

"Yes."

……………………………………..

"What. The. F$^&." I said. In wonder, pity, and… more pity.

Konoha seemed the same except for two glaring differences:

First: No shinobi running around. This is explained in the second reason.

Second reason: The academy.

"You're right." Haku agreed. "It's rather… idiotic."

In big bold letters, the Ninja academy now had a sign. It also was obviously not a 'Ninja' acadmy anymore.

**Konaha Grammer High school: Learning is for nerds!**

"Okay, so many things is wrong with that sign… Urgh. First: They misspelled "Konoha.' Second, A grammer school is typically grades 1-6. High School is not a grammer school." I explained through clenced teeth.

"It also appears to degrade learning." Haku noticed. "Isn't that the whole point of schools? To learn?"

I clutched the whip, wondering if the Mary-Sue was inside.

"Should we go in?" Haku asked.

"I don't think so. We should just-"

"Why aren't you two in class?" A voice said behind us.

"We turned around to see…

Kurenai. Well damn.

"You weren't having sex before class were you?" She berated. "If you, mister," She jabbed her finger into my chest- "Were particulary sexy, I'd let you off. But as it is…" She clicked her tongue. She turned to Haku. "You can do so much better than him dear."

"Uhhh… I'm a guy." Haku said truthfully.

"Isn't that what I just said?"

I wanted to kill her.

"Now hurry along to class, and please no sex in the hallways. The janitors are complaining about cleaning up the sem-"

Needless to say, we ran away.

And we both puked.

………………………

We went inside, due to boredom.

"What the hell are we going to do?" Haku asked. "We don't have a schedule… how are we supposed to fit in?"

"I don't think it matters." I said truthfully. "Let's just go to random classes. Let's split up."

"Why?"

"So I won't be accused of being gay."

"Good idea. I'll meet with you at lunch."

"Cool. Bye."

And so, we split up.

I wondered where I should go, and then I found a classroom simply labeled 'Chemistry'. Out of boredom, I walked inside.

"Having sex in the hallways, mister?" Kakashi, who was apparently the teacher, asked.

"Well, Uhh…"

"Of course you were." Kakashi said dismissively. "Now sit down, uncertain bitch."

I wondered if he meant that as an insult, or actually speaking what he thought about me. What a perverted bastard.

I sat down next to… Ino? She seemed to be a Cheerleader here.

"Hello." I said politely.

"Hey, after class, want to have sex?" She asked.

"Huh?" I blinked.

"Heehee! You're so uncertain… that shows how… _big _you are." She said seductively.

"I… Uh…" This was a fantasy world, so could I be having sex? Uhhh… I'm confused.

"Hey, you know… I have this friend TenTen. She could join us!"

I wondered why a girl that was obviously too good for me was trying to convince me to have sex with her after saying hello. Did I put AXE on before I left or something?

"Alright class!" Kakashi said as he clapped his hands together. "Today, we will be learning about romantic chemistry."

I blinked. I was still in Middle School, so I haven't taken Chemistry yet. But I was pretty sure it didn't involve the _romantic _kind.

"The rule to Chemistry is that you find the best, sexiest person in bed that you can get away with. That is all! Class dismissed!" I briefly saw some girls drag guys into the hallway for… sex apparently. Before I got dragged. By Ino.

"Hey, what?" I asked.

"I'll show you a good time mister." She winked.

Basically believing that I should save sex for marriage, I decided to do what I didn't what do, and that was get away.

Stupid morals.

"Hey look, it's… uhhh… glitter!"

She dropped me.

"Really? Where?"

I ran.

……………………………….

Lunch didn't occur for three more periods yet, and so I couldn't meet up with Haku until then. Avoiding most of the Sex-crazed teenagers, (A hard task… some of them wanted sex, some wanted a threesome, fortunately no Yaoi offers… yet.) Although I noticed that the emo and gothic kids were higher in demand than the rest. Hmmm… Where have I heard of that before?

Anyway, I hadn't seen any Nin's turned students yet, besides Ino. I guessed all the kids having sex in the hallways were OC's.

So I see anything class 'Women's Rights and Free Speech.' Knowing Stephenie Meyer's view on 'Women's rights' and the demanding of the fans to shut up about the criticism, I entered this class for the LOLs, if nothing else.

The teacher here was Kurenai.

"Alright, class!" Kurenai shouted. "Class shall begin shortly. After I finish with Iruka here teehee…" Ignoring the fact that our teachers were having sex on their desk ("Oh Iruka! Yours is even bigger than Konhamaru's!) I sat down next to some random kid.

"Hey. You want drugs?"

"Why would I want drugs?" I asked, annoyed. "There's plenty of sluts in this school."

"Haha… too true."

"Ummm… I'm sorry class. But I'm having too much fun to stop…" Kurenai said.

"Yeah, well teach while doing it." The kid with the drugs said.

"That's a good idea!" Now class- Oh, that's goooooooood Iruka- Women are equal to men. So naturally go out and have sex with every women you find. Any questions?"

"I have one." The kid sitting next to me raised his hand. "What happens if they don't want to have sex with you?"

"That makes it sooooooo much sweeter." Iruka grinned.

What? Rape was good? I

"What kind of women doesn't want sexual gratification?" Kurenai demanded.

"Well, the kind that actual want to pursue an actual relationship."

"Sex is an actual relationship! After you find someone sexy, you have sex, then you're rich because real sexy people are always rich, then you're happy! And you have sex!"

"There's more to love than that. That's like lust." Drug boy complained.

Kurenai rolled over to her desk and opened a drawer. She pulled out… a .48 Revolver.

Holy shit.

Bang bang! Drug boy fell over, his eyes glazed, with two bullets in between his forehead.

"People like that are never good at sex." Kurenai informed the class, putting away the revolver. "To have good sex, you can't ever _think_, take Bella Swan for instance. She never thought, and look! She has perfect love, perfect sex, money, an illogical child… plus the guy's hot!"

I considered raising my hand, but if Drug boy got shot for voicing his opinion, I didn't want to be next.

"Class dismissed!"

I guess I'm so ugly that even in a school were sex occurs in the hallways the girls still ignore me. Oh well. I head to another class…

And see Sasuke.

"Oh, my heart is so fond for you… although we are from the same side, I still-"

Great. He's gay here. He's writing a poem. Probably to Naruto. So I take out my whip, and prepared to whack that little freak.

Crack!

"Ow!"

"Take this, slut!" I scream, and contuined whipping him… and not in that way you perverts.

"What's going on here?" Kurenai asked as she appeared out of nowhere. Why isn't she having sex with Kakashi or something?

"I… uhhh…."

"I thought I told you, no Yaoi sex in the hallway!" Kurenai scolded.

"He just… appeared out of nowhere… I hate rapists!" Sasuke cried, as he ran off. Wimp.

I turned to Kurenai.

"Come with me."

I followed her through hallways filled with sex crazed teenagers.

"Although rape is strongly encouraged here, attacking someone to rape is not. Violence is not the way to sex. I'll be taking this." She waved the whip around. "And you'll be in detention for… five minutes."

Five minutes? Five freaking minutes. I wondered what it would be like.

"Here it is." She opened the door marked 'detention'. It was all dark inside. I walked in.

……………………………………………….

"Hello." Anko said seductively as she walked up to me. "You've been a… _naughty _boy, haven't you?"

"In what way?" I asked, trying to sound cool.

"What did you get in trouble for?" She asked.

"I uhhh… had a whip. And tried to kill someone."

"Killing someone is not such a big deal." She frowned. "Having sex with a dead body is unacceptable however." She brightened up again. "I have plans for you… oh yes…"

"What?" I asked.

"I want you to rape me." She said simply. "I will try to resist, and we will both be happy."

Wait… WTF? This is the punishment?

"Oh, and a spanking. I would loooooooooovvvvvvveeee a spanking from you."

"…"

"If you want, I could call in my assistant Hinata and have her join us."

Before I could decided what to do, the five minutes were up. I didn't know whether to be disappointed or thankful.

"Come back again! I'm always in service if you need to… vent."

This place is starting to terrify me.

………………….

The last period before Lunch. I wondered what Haku was up to. Hopefully he didn't get raped or anything. I decided to enter… 'People who are too shy to have sex with strangers' No… seriously.

If Hinata's in there, maybe I'd break my morals after class…. Okay, not really, but it's pretty cool to think about.

She wasn't in there. (Dammit!) Instead, it was… a girl? With Pink hair? Sakura?

I sat down next to her.

"Hello." I said politely.

"Ummmm…. Hi." She blushed. Wow. I actually talked to a girl in this school who didn't want to have sex with me.

"Alright freaks!" Iruka screamed as he walked in. I'm wasting my sex time to help you get some! So you better thank me!"

It was just the two of us, Sakura and me, and we didn't say anything.

"Figures…" Iruka muttered. "Alright! This school grades your performance on how many people you had sex with. You both have absolutely an absolutely zero sex life!"

"We care why?" I ask. Sakura gasped at me. Iruka's eyes narrowed.

The only possible way to get your grade up is to sleep with say… Kurenai or Anko, who could pull some strings."

"That's it. I'm leaving."

I left.

Finally! Lunch. Now I could meet up with Haku. Except… where was the cafeteria?

End of Journal #7


	8. A terrible, terrible, shock

So I finally found the cafeteria. Joy.

I opened the door.

Well… I was shocked.

Basically, kids were using things like Whipped cream to… well, it's sort of obvious.

But where was Haku?

I walked around the cafeteria hoping my only companion for this mission wasn't taken in by the multiple sex opportunities.

"For the last time, I'm not a girl!" A familiar voice yelled out.

I followed the sound of the voice, because I knew who it was.

Behind a few tables with kids having sex on them, there was a whole gang of guys, talking to Haku.

I jogged over to them.

"Oh please." The apparent leader sneered. "You think your too good for us, eh? There's no way an ass as fine as yours is-"

"Maybe you're just gay?" I suggested mildly as I walked up.

"What?" The guy blinked. "Pshaw. I'm just a faceless, meaningless, sex machine. So naturally I'm straight."

"Ummm… Okay?" I said, wondering what the hell he meant by that.

"Oh! She's hot!" The guys left to haress another girl who would probably give in to their desires.

"That was… I never…" Haku shivered. "Every time that happens it just gets creepier…"

I decided not to comment.

"Every one is in here having sex. So let's just go find Mary-Sue." I suggested instead. Haku followed me out of the lunch room.

"Hey, where's your whip?"

"Got confiscated."

"Oh..."

We walked around the hallways liked we owned the place.

When suddenly…

"HeeHee."

"What the f*$&?" Haku asked in horror.

Six girls had suddenly popped out of lockers and started walking slowly towards us.

"You're… Japanese…" They whispered.

"Uh-oh." I shot a fearful glance at Haku.

"The Japanese… are awesome…"

"The Japanese… are amazing."

"The Japanese… are sexy."

"The Japanese… are perfect."

The girls were all impossibly pale, and were squinting in the hallway light.

"Ummm… Megagamer? I don't like the looks of this…" Haku said nervously.

"Get in my pants!" They all screamed at once.

"Holy shit!" Haku cried.

We both turned and ran down the hallway.

It seems a stroke of good luck was on our side however. First, these girls were all apparently Zombies. They were also quite stupid.

Most important, they were slow.

"Wow. These girls have absolutely no athletic ability at all." I commented.

"Strange… Who were they?"

"They sounded familiar… I got it!" I snapped my fingers. "They must be the OC's loosely based off the Mary Sue's friends!"

"She actually has friends?" Haku asked incredulously.

"Apparently."

Then, we heard someone clapping.

"Who's there?" I demanded.

"It is I!" The Mysterious clapper said, revealing himself in the light.

"Oh… it's just you." I said disappointed.

"What do you mean, 'just me? I am the inspiration for this school!" Edward explained proudly.

"Why were you clapping just now?" Haku asked.

"That's because you passed my little test!"

"Test?" I blinked.

"Yes. A test." Edward nodded knowingly. "You see, I suggested this school to The Great and Beautiful Lady Mary Sue for the sheer purpose of testing you."

"For what?" I asked.

"It's quite simple. I was testing you to see if you were worthy to be part of Mary Sue's Harem!" Edward explained cheerily.

Silence.

"You're… kidding, right?" I said weakly.

"Nope!"

I felt like I was going to puke.

"Why… Why would…"

"Oh, Why she would want you. You're the Primary Antagonist." Edward said. "Mary Sue needs to feel as if she can change someone for the better… and love her."

"What about me?" Haku asked.

"Oh please." Edward said dismissively. "You're too girly! What, you what people to think she's a Lesbian?"

"What… was the test?" I asked weakly.

"Oh yes. The test. I was testing to see if you would have sex with just anybody. But No, you did not. That proves, that you are to be one with Mary-Sue!" Edward cackled. "The wedding is at Dawn!"

"Holy shit!" I cried. "I just got sucked into a relationship!"

"Bwahahahaha! Prepare for your 'Game Over!." Edward said, cackling over his horrible, horrible, joke.

I kicked him in the nuts. Cheap trick, but hey. I was desperate.

"Haha. Didn't you read Breaking Dawn? I have Balls of Steel!" Edward announced proudly.

The girls I speculated were Mary Sue's 'Friends' had arrived when he said that.

"Did he say… balls of Steel?" One whimpered.

"He must be Japanessssssssseee." Another hissed.

The girls immediately glomped Edward.

"What?" Edward said confusedly. "Don't tear that… I don't wanna hurt you… Ow! Help!"

Needless to say, we ran away when we got the chance, only to hear the girls sigh in disappointment and one say something that sounded like 'it's so small!'

"Wow… that was terrifying."

"Tell me about it." Haku agreed.

We slowed to a walk, then turned a corner and ran into… a guy with orange hair?

"Watch where you're going!" He snapped.

"Well, excuuuuuuuuse me Princess." I said obnoxiously.

"Why you little…"

"Ichigo! Come on, we'll be late to class!" A girl called from across the room.

"Crap! I'll deal with you two later." Ichigo threatened before moving away.

I snickered.

"You're whiiiiipppped." I sang.

"Hmmmm… in all the files of various Shinobi Mary-Sue might use, I don't remember anybody named Ichigo." Haku remarked.

"He's probably an OC." I said dismissively. "I mean, Orange Hair? What the hell."

We continued walking. It appeared Lunch was now over and kids were now getting to class/ sexing each other up. But mostly the latter.

"I need my whip back." I said. "We already found out how stupid the classes are, so we should just find my whip."

"There he is!"

We turned around to see the apparent resident gay kid on campus.

"What do you want?" I asked rudely.

"Not you, you're not good enough for me." Sasuke retorted. I noticed about a half dozen fangirls behind him at that time. They giggled at his joke.

"Well, maybe if you listened to your mother and never got that Gender switch operation, that might actually mean something."

"Wait… what's that even supposed to mean?" Sasuke asked.

"It means you were originally a girl, dumbass."

"You bastard!" All the fangirls screamed.

"So, what'd you want with us?" Haku asked politely.

"Oh. Yes. Well, me and my friends came to beat you up for ruining my chances with Naruto." Sasuke explained.

"Eh? In case you haven't noticed, there is not the slightest bit of doubt among the sane members of the fanbase that Naruto is indeed straight." I pointed out.

"Wrong!" Sasuke said dramatically. "We are True and sexy love!"

"Yeah… I seriously doubt that." I said.

"Me too." Haku chimed in.

"And what do you mean, 'Ruining' your chances? I just took a whip and beat you with it."

"Ah, so that's why it got confiscated…" Haku muttered.

"Our love is so deep and meaningful that your Hetero obsessed, Homophobic mind cannot comprehend it." Sasuke said dramatically.

"So basically you saw him taking a leak one day and saw how big his penis was." I interpreted.

"Wha- how'd you- Erm… no. No. That's not it at all."

"It's just hot!" The fangirls chorused.

"Yeah! That's it." Sasuke said, bouncing up and down. "It's hot!"

"Yeah… there's a reason why's there's only about five YAOI stories on FF . net that actually tries to mimic homosexual relationships… all the others are teenaged fangirls fantasy dreams of anime guys getting it on. Oh, and then they say yuri sucks. Hypocrites."

"It is indeed true that the Japanese do not look down on homosexuals." Haku added. "But that doesn't automatically mean that every Japanese person is gay."

"Stop talking about things you don't have the slightest clue about!" Sasuke cried.

"Hypocrite." We both said.

"Argh! Prepare to die, you fool-"

Haku created a giant ice wall separating us.

"What the… you little…"

"Come on. Let's go." I said to Haku.

"Fine with me. Ugh, this place is riduclous…."

"Aha! Caught you again!" Kurenai said as she jumped out of nowhere.

"Ummm… doing what?" I asked.

"Why, hot YAOI sexing of course!" Kurenai said cheerily. "I can get you both in trouble.. then I'll show you manners personally… ohhhh…"

"Ummm… we still have our clothes on ma'am." Haku said earnestly. "We were just taking a walk."

"Curses! My pedophiliac tendencies must wait!" Kurenai screamed before disappearing… again.

"Ummm… Let's move on, shall we?"

We walked a little farther and came to the Gym.

"Wow." I said, amazed. Considering how all the lifeless Anime tards I know are not at all athletic, I'd think she'd have gotten rid of the gym for some stupid reason."

"Maybe the Sue is inside, living out her dreams of kicking that really, really, hot popular girl's ass at various sports?" Haku suggested.

"Haha. Sweet vengeance for all those years of embaressment." I snickered. Then I frowned. "That might actually be true…"

We walked inside, and we were wrong.

Figures.

"What the hell is this?" Haku asked.

"This is the Sex gym! Where you work out to improve your sex skills!" A random Konoha Jounin a didn't know the name of said proudly. "What has your partner been complaining about? Horrible endurance? Small penis? Terrible at exciting her? Well, we have all the answers here."

"This just keeps getting weirder…" I muttered. I saw some OC's doing several strange exercises. The most normal of which was a treadmill, which I assumed was there to take off pounds of raise endurance. Or something.

Then, I saw Sakura.

I tapped Haku on the shoulder and pointed to her.

"Ah… Sakura, wasn't it? I never fought her. Is she particularly dangerous?"

"Not yet."

She appeared to be just standing around, watching everybody else masturbate. Or whatever it's called.

"Hmmm… She likes different from everybody else."

"Yeah. The Sue must not like her very much." I said, remembering how Sakura was the only one in the 'Get Sex fast help' class.

"OMG!" Everyone said. "It's her! You're so awesome!"

"It's her!" I whisper needlessly. For some reason, this gym had bleachers. So we hid behind those.

"Finally! The crossover Machine is complete!" Mary Sue announced to the crowd. "Soon, you will able to fulfill all your fantasies, and then, armed with the power of Love, we take the Real World by Storm!

Cheers. Bastards.

"That plan made no sense." Haku commented.

"I know. Let's get out of here."

…

So I still don't have my whip, Mary Sue has made a Crossover machine, and we still have no idea how to destroy the School and return things back to normal." I said in frustration.

"The Crossover machine…" Haku said thoughtfully. "Why would she need a machine to twist the laws of Fanfiction? Fanfiction has no laws to speak of… which is why over ninety percent of it is crap."

"Hmmm… Do you think we could use the Crossover machine to aid us? We've already run into crossovers both good and bad. And the Sue said it was 'just completed.'

"It may do something more then it's name implies." Haku said thoughtfully.

"Alright then." I said. "Here are our objectives. First: Find my whip."

"Kurenai probably still has it." Haku said vaguely. "Maybe she's using it for Kinky sex."

I briefly wondered what Mr. J would think if he found out about that. He probably wouldn't care, because he didn't even know his own name.

"Two: Locate the Machine."

"It has to be somewhere subtle." Haku said, nodding.

"Third: find out what it does. Fourth varies. If it can help us, we use it. If it won't, we smash it."

"Got it." Haku nodded.

"We should work on steps one and two separately." I said. "I need my damn whip, and we can't waste any time."

And so, during our brief break, I wrote this journal. I hope we've seen every surprise this school has to offer. Because if anything is scarier then Mary Sue wanting to sex me up, I'll probably kill myself.

Until Next time,

Megagamer200.


	9. Haku: Ace Attorney

My name is Haku.

Megagamer is currently incapacitated. By that, I mean he's been arrested.

For what?

Murder, of course.

We split up to accomplish our specific objectives, and somehow Megagamer got tied up in all this mess.

We have no money. So I must do the most ridiculous thing I've ever done.

Pose as a defense lawyer.

"So, how am I supposed to do this again?" I asked nervously, examining my shiny new attorney's badge.

"It's simple. You can figure it out on your own." Santa said, grinning at me.

"We haven't even seen Megagamer since he got arrested…" I muttered. "How are we going to prove his innocence if he can't-"

"Hello!" A familiar voice said cheerfully. We both looked to the source of the voice to see…

"My name is Megagamer! I'm your client!" Megagamer said as he bobbed his head in a ridiculous fashion.

"What. The. Hell." I said in shock.

"Heeeeey, that's bad language, lady!" Megagamer said indignately.

"Megagamer!" I snapped. "Stop messing around!"

"Well, Excuuuuuuuuuussseeee me, Princess." Megagamer said obnoxiously. "Sheesh, and you're supposed to be a professional…"

"Huh?" I blinked. Where'd he get the idea I had defended somebody before?

"Something's not right here…" Santa mused.

"Alright… Megagamer. Tell us what happened."

"Oh." Megagamer's face fell. "Ummm… What exactly?"

"You idiot! The crime you've been accused of doing! You're a suspect! We need you to clarify what the hell happened!"

"Oh. Ummm… Sorry, Ms. Haku. I don't remember anything."

…

"What!" I screeched.

"It's true!" Megagamer said earnestly. "I was at the football game with my girlfriend, and it turned out my ticket had some kind of lottery winner thing on it or some shit like that and I went to go claim my prize and on my way back… I found her! Dead!"

"Ummm… You remembered it just fine." I pointed out.

"No!" Megagamer said, stomping his foot. "You got it wrong! I don't remember anything before that! Like how I knew that girl! Or where that piece of rope came from! I know I've seen it before! I can't even remember where I met my girlfriend!"

"That was pretty important testimony." Santa stated.

"Yeah." I took out a notebook and wrote down Megagamer's testimony.

**Megagamer's Testimony: He cannot remember anything prior to the football game. **

"Hang on…" I frowned. "What the hell were you doing at the football game anyway?"

"Huh?" He blinked. "Well, why does anyone else go? To socialize of course!"

"But we had plans! Why the hell did you ditch those and go to a football game!"

"Huh?" Megagamer blinked. "What plans? We've only met just now Ms. Haku."

"Wait... What?"

"Haven't you noticed?" Santa asked, surprised. "He's currently an Amnsesiac. He doesn't remember anything he did in the last 48 hours. He's been calling you 'Miss Haku' the whole time!"

Damn, I'm unobservant.

…

"Court is now in session!" The judge called from his throne, or high seat, or whatever the hell that is.

"The defense is ready, your honor." I said, tapping the desk impatiently.

"The Prosecution is ready also, your honor." The girl across from me spoke. I didn't recognize her. She seemed rather lovely.

"I understand that both the Prosecution and the Defense are new to the courtroom?"

"Yes. My name is Haku, your honor."

"I'm Alice Cullen, Your honor." The girl said, giving a beautiful smile in the Judge's direction.

"Hmmm… Two lovely young ladies… hope this doesn't get ugly…" The Judge muttered.

"OBJECTION!" I yelled, slamming my fists on the table.

"The Judge blinked awkwardly. "Ummm… To what?"

"I'm a guy." I said simply.

Instead of an expression of surprise, the Judge snorted. "Well, then you should man-up, Mr. Haku!"

This guy is a dick.

"Anyway," The Judge contuined. "Ms. Cullen, Your opening statement, if you please?"

"Yes your honor." Alice said, smiling that smile of hers that was somewhat dazzling. "The Murder victim is Renessmee Carlie Cullen, a student at Konoha grammer high school.

"Huh?" The Judge blinked again. "Isn't grammer school elementary school? Not high School?"

"Um… yes." Alice said. "But the umm… creator of the school wanted it to be named that way and so it was. Anyway, her body was found in the hallway near the athletics department. She had been strangled by this White Whip.

"Yes, That's all very well, but why is the defendant charged for this crime?" The Judge asked.

"It's simple. The Whip has his fingerprints all over it.

"Very well. It appears this whip is vital evidence."

**Whip added to court record: This is the Murder weapon. It belongs to Megagamer.**

"Objection! That's all very well, but you're forgetting one thing."

"Oh? And that is?" Alice asked me with the charming smile.

"Motive. Why would Mega- Er, Mr. 200 kill Ms. Cullen?"

"Hey! I just realized something!" The judge said.

"And that is?" Alice asked politely.

"Why, you're last names are the same! Were you related?"

"Ummm… yes. Her father, Edward, is my brother."

"_Edward? Edward Cullen? That little bastard? Ugh, great. She must be with the Mary-Sue as well."_ I thought to myself.

"Anyway," I said, "Answer my question Ms. Cullen."

"Yes. The Answer is simple: Megagamer had a huge grudge against her mother, Isabella Swan. So he decided to hit her where it hurts the most… by murdering her daughter."

"You don't know that." I said flatly.

"Well, I can prove it. The Prosecution would like to call it's first witness!"

"Very well." The Judge nodded. "Bring him in!"

"Alright, Haku. This is where it gets dirty. Chances are, this is rigged. So be careful." Santa warned me.

"I've got it." I said confidently. "Where were you anyway?"

"Getting some evidence. This is all Link could find, apparently."

A review? On a movie that's epic huh…. It looks like Megagamer hated this thing."

"I'm sure it'll come in handy. Hang on to it.

**Added Megagamer's review of Epic Movie to the court record**

...

Great. It's him already.

"Witness, state your name and occupation."

"I am Edward Cullen. I am the star of the Twilight Saga. I am also the masturbation material for teenaged girls everywhere."

"That's… Ummm… very nice." The Judge said awkwardly. "Anyway, let us hear your testimony. What did you see that night?"

"Absolutely nothing."

Silence.

"What!" The Judge screamed. "Proseuction! How dare you bring a witness to the stand that isn't even a witness!"

"This witness can indeed confirm that Megagamer had a grudge against Isabella Swan. This, in turn, will solidify the fact that Megagamer indeed had a motive for killing Renessmee."

"Very Well. We shall hear your testimony on the matter, witness."

"Okay."

"Mr. Haku, Prepare to do your Cross-examination.

"Yes, Your Honor."

"It all began 4 years ago, when Bella and I first met." Edward began. "She dazzled me with her intoxicating scent! So naturally, that meant she was the one."

"Hold it! The one of what?"

"You know, my one true love and stuff! Why?"

"Well," I began, "You said it really ominously. I thought you meant she was destined to save the world or something really Cliché like that."

"Oh." Edward said awkwardly.

"Continue with your testimony, witness." The Judge commanded.

"Anyway, Megagamer was jealous of our love, so he bullied Bella a lot. But then I beat him up, so he stopped. So he tried to destroy our love by killing our Daughter! I can see it in his mind!"

"Hold it! What do you mean by, 'See it in his mind?" I asked.

"Isn't it obvious? I can read minds, dumbass."

"_Woah, Megagamer never mentioned that! I think…"_

"Hang on…" I frowned. "Objection!"

"What is it?" The Judge asked

"The witness basically stated that Megagamer was trying to destroy his and his girlfriends true love. However, this is because he can read minds, and should be able to read Mr. 200's right?"

"Yes." Alice nodded.

"But that's contradictory to Megagamer's testimony. He says that for some reason he can not remember anything prior to the football game."

"Objection!" Alice yelled. "But that's the defendants testimony! Surely what he says can not be taken seriously!"

"Objection! Actually, yes it does. His testimony meshes with the facts. So far, nothing seems out of place. Unless you have spotted something I haven't?"

Alice looked furious.

"I cannot render judgement until absolutely certain." The Judge said frowning. "It seems we need another witness. This one sucks!"

"Hey, no fair!" Edward whined. I did great. He made that crap up- Ow!"

"Leave!" I commanded.

"Mr. Haku!" The Judge said in a shocked voice. "Throwing needles is not acceptable behavior…"

"This witness has been lying in court! He deserves to be punished!"

"And he will be." The Judge said. "I sentence you to read and review Mr. 200's under read fanfiction, 'Final Fantasy!"!

"Nooooo!" Edward screamed as he was dragged away. "I'm too pretty to read that Shhhiiiiiiitt!"

"Anyway," I contuined, "Mr. 200 appears to have no motive for murder."

"Yes… But…" Alice said, struggling to find a loophole, "The Whip belongs to him!"

"That's true. However, he can't remember much of anything at the moment. Allow me to propose my thoughts on what happened."

"Very well. Go ahead." The Judge said, nodding.

"Thank you. I believe Megagamer did go down the area where he could claim his prize. Then, he met someone. This person must have somehow adjusted his memory by a form of magic and took his whip, and strangled the girl."

"Yes." The Judge nodded. "You are saying he was framed?"

"That is correct, your honor."

"Objection!" Alice screamed.

We all looked at her.

"Ummm… Not an objection, actually, just an observation. Who would wish to kill a girl, and then frame the accused?"

"_The answer is fairly obvious…"_

I pounded my hands on the desk. "I have a pretty good idea who it was."

"Oh ho!" The Judge gasped.

"This person completely and utterly detests everything that Megagamer has ever done, ever, and is against him on practically every moral ground imaginable."

"That's a pretty big claim to make. Who is this person?"

"Her name is… Ummm..." I checked the profile, because I had no idea what her full name was.

"Yes?"

"Her name is Mary Dementia Ebony Ravenway Darkmoon Sparklepants Ballad goffic Way Sue. I think. I'm not sure if the profile is big enough to contain her full name or not…"

"I have an objection!" Alice called.

"Oh?"

"It just so happens that I know for a fact that Mary Sue would not do anything to harm Megagamer, and that all of your accusations are complete and utter… ummm… poop."

"And what would the be?" I asked.

"Why, the fact that Mary Sue is Mr. 200's girlfriend, of course."

…

What the hell?

…

Right now, the Judge has called a recess. Shit. I have no idea what's going on anymore. And I'm not even sure if Megagamer actually killed that girl or not.

But why was he with Mary Sue? So many questions…

That's all. Hopefully, next time Megagamer will be writing in my place.


End file.
